Jackie Martling & Billy West
Dirty Voices
The Gramercy Theatre
127 East 23rd St. (Park & Lexington)
8 p.m., Monday, November 16th
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A guy says to his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?"
She says, "I'd take half and leave your ass."
He says, "I won twelve bucks. Here's six. Now get the fuck out."
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What's the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?
A drunk doesn't have to go to those stupid meetings.
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A guy's got a big fat wife. She gets out of the shower, sits on the pot, and gets stuck. So he calls the plumber. Then he realizes that she's sitting there naked, and he can't have that, so he takes his bowler derby and puts it on her lap to cover up home base.
The plumber shows up, takes one look, and says, "Listen, Mac, I think I can save your wife, but the guy in the hat's a goner."
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A woman is standing in a hotel lobby wearing a full-length fur coat.
A guy walks up to her and says, "Do you know how many animals had to die for that coat?"
She says, "Do you know how many animals I had to fuck for this coat?"
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Did you hear about the Ethiopian who fell into the alligator pit?
She ate three of them before they could get her out of there.
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A couple gets married. Forty years later, it's their anniversary, and they're in the same hotel, in the same room. She takes off her clothes, lies down on the bed, spreads her legs...and he starts to cry.
She says, "What's the matter?"
He says, "Forty years ago I couldn't wait to eat it, and now it looks like it can't wait to eat me."
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Why can't the blacks mug the Jews on Yom Kippur?
Dey fast.
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Quasimodo's sitting in the kitchen, when his mother walks in carrying a wok.
He says, "Unh. Good. I love Chinese food."
She says, "What are you talking, Chinese food? I'm gonna use this thing to iron your shirts."
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A couple's been married for fifteen years, and they sleep in separate beds. One night the husband is really horny.
He says, "Hon-ey! Why don't you come over to Daddy-poo and Daddy make whoopee with Mommy? Daddy loves Mommy."
She says, "All right."
She gets out of her bed, and on her way over she trips over the rug in the middle.
The guy says, "Oh, poopsie, are you all right? Did my little baby-cakes hurt her toesie-woesies? Come to me, honey-bunch."
Then he fucks her hard. He gets done, she gets out of his bed and on the way back she trips over the rug again.
He says, "You clumsy bitch."
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A lawyer says to his partner, "Are you fucking the new secretary?"
The other lawyer says, "No."
He says, "Then you fire her."
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Did you hear about the bulimic bachelor party?
The cake jumps out of the girl.
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A guy goes to a proctologist.
The doctor says, "My God, man, how did your asshole get so stretched out?"
The guy says, "I got fucked by a elephant."
The doctor says, "Oh, come on, everybody knows an elephant has a really long dick, but they're not that wide."
The guy says, "H-he put his finger in first."
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A little kid comes running into the backyard and says, "Pop! Pop! Mommy just got hit by a bus!"
His father says, "Son, you know my lips are chapped. Please don't make me smile."
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Harry and his wife are driving in the country when he sees a sign that says, "Cow For Sale, $5000."
He pulls in and says to the farmer, "There's no cow in the world worth five thousand dollars."
The farmer says, Oh, yeah? Take a look at this."
He lifts the cow's tail, and Harry sees the cow has a snatch just like a woman.
Harry gets back in the car, turns to his wife, and says, "It's just not fair. Here's this farmer with a cow with a snatch like a woman, and it's worth five thousand dollars, and here I am, with you, with a snatch like a cow, and you're not worth shit."
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for the kids:
What should you do if you break your toe? Call a toe truck.
What's big and grey and goes around and around? An elephant in a washing machine.
Knock, knock...
Who's there?
Tuba...
Tuba who?
Tuba toothpaste.
What would you call a skeleton who won't get out of bed?
Lazy bones.
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A guy's drowning. The lifeguard swims out, drags him in, puts him on the edge of the shore, and starts pumping his arms. Water starts coming out of the guy's mouth. The lifeguard keeps pumping the guy's arms, and the guy is spitting out fish, and clams, and seaweed.
Another guy comes walking along and says, "Hey, you better get that guy's asshole out of the water. You're gonna empty the ocean."
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Why do bald guys have holes in their pockets?
So they can run their fingers through their hair.
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A guy comes home from work, and his wife's on all fours, scrubbing the kitchen floor, wearing nothing but her bathrobe. He walks up behind her, lifts up her bathrobe, and jams it in her. Then he smacks her in the head.
She says, "I let you do something so nice like that, what'd you hit me for?"
He says, "For not looking to see who it was."
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A girl decides to get artificially inseminated. She goes into the doctor's office, and he starts taking off his clothes.
She says, "What are you doing?"
The doctor says, "I'm all out of the bottled stuff. You're gonna have to settle for draft."
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Two drunks are sitting at a bar when the first one pulls down his zipper and starts pissing into a beer bottle.
The second drunk says, "What are you doing?"
The first drunk says, "This shit's so good I'm gonna drink it again."
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When do you know when you've got really bad gas?
You fart in the tub and the bubbles sink.
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A blonde walks up to a Coke machine in a Las Vegas casino, puts in a few coins, and out
pops a Coke. She puts some more coins into the machine, and another can of soda pops out. She keeps putting in coins, and cans of soda keep coming out.
A guy walks up behind her and says, "Can I please use the machine?"
She says, "Fuck off! Can't you see I'm winning?"
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