10. Lactose Intolerable.
You might be wondering what the picture above is. Well, my friends, it's a picture of me and my producer--he simply goes by "Bunnay"--discussing last Sunday's episode of The El. He's trying to convince me that it was an amazing piece of work, the fruit of several dozen talented men and women (mostly women) who have worked incredibly hard to get us to a point where we can have a show like this on television that may not always speak FOR us, but certainly speaks TO us. Bunnay wants me to know we should be truly grateful.
I fired Bunnay moments after this picture was taken.
It's taken me 6 days just to wrap my head around what happened on last Sunday's show. I was honestly completely confused for 90% of it. The only time I wasn't confused was when Helena was on screen. Walking, or talking, or pouting, or drinking, or saying "Fuck off, Jenny." That 10% was as clear as the driven snow. It's not that I loathed this episode. There were some moments that I found amusing/cool/slightly sexy. But uh, for the most part...
9. Mood Poisoning.
I'm still wondering exactly how long Shane was throwing up before Jenny got to her. It felt like forever. I wonder why...oh that's right, cause they frickin SHOWED SHANE THROWING UP. I'm not a fan of like...vomit on screen, in person, or now I realize, in print. Especially seconds after getting the slightest bit aroused by a Shane/Nikki mayhaps sexy moment. And to top it off, they had her throw up on MY CLEMENTINE?? Are you crazy?? Wait, I know the answer to that.
Juno-kudos though to Kate Moennig for being surprisingly great at acting sick.
By the way, where was I when Shane became a photographer? I do remember her taking creepy pics of Molly while she was asleep, but I would have done the same thing. Didn't think it was anything more than a amazingly appropriate reaction to waking up to Clementine Ford hobby. But you know what? Shane should've been a photographer ALL along. It's a MUCH better idea and would work better with the whole growing up in foster care/homeless back story. Cause when exactly did dyky-ass horny & homeless Shane find time to take 600 hours of cosmetology training? I can see her picking up an old SLR and taking some pics to capture human emotion. Hmmm...perhaps in the prequel.
8. Directed by That "Cougar" Guy From "Top Gun"...I KNEW It!
As soon as shit started getting weird at that baby shower, and I Shaned a little in my mouth, I knew this was a Cougar situation. If you'll recall, he directed my least favorite episode of last season too. I'm sure he's a lovely man, probably a great father, son, brother, and friend. A gentleman, I'm sure. But damn it...DAMN IT COUGAR.
And while we're on the subject of fuckery, since when does Kit's body not "respond to its own kind?" Tell that to Papster and Ivan, yo. Also, how could Kit not know that dude was Sunset Blvd? I knew it the first time they showed him on screen. When he's in drag, he doesn't put on a voice at all, his arms are ginormous and what completely straight laced dude would be at this opening? I was half expecting Mangus to pop out of nowhere. He seems like he'd dig this kind of art like whoa.
What's with the contractor chick who doesn't know she's gay? I think it's cute and funny and all that...but didn't that feel more like something that should've/would've happened in Season 1 or 2? It just seemed so...random. I'm tired of complaining. Hmmm...I will say that the lighting and audio work on this episode was impeccable. *sigh*
7. When Kelly Wentworth gets tipsy, she gets SO EXCITED. She gets SO EXCITED.
...And I get SO...SCARED. Not of Elizabeth Berkeley's performance, cause she's doing a great job with what she's being given. But with the episode in general. I played this song over and over during different parts of the episode and rocked back and forth to get me through it.
(Thanks Boo for the head's up on where to find this vid!)
6. Clementine Ford is Still Hot, Even in Pictures...Well, Until Shane Throws UP ON HER FACE, Of Course.
5. I'm Thinking of Starting a Rival Night to Truckstop: Bus Stop.
I loooved when Jenny told Shane that her 12 minute-long or so desperate attempt to find her included a stop at Truckstop. I've mentioned the Friday night *place to be* in West Hollywood (I'm there when I can be!) several times on the blog. I wonder if she was on the list. I wonder if she stopped off at Gay Pizza before jumping back in her car. In case you've never been to the club or seen LOGO's "Gimme Sugar," this is what happens on a typical Friday night at Truckstop:
...I'm surprised that bitch ever left the place.
4. Taffy Lite
I am appreciative of the random Jaimie boobs in the shower because it meant not only did we get to see her luscious boobs, but we got to see them wet. Credit where credit's due. Boob... But...there are only 2 episodes left, and if they don't get these bitches into a like....18 minute threesome in one of those episodes, I'm callin' a foul on the play. Seriously y'all. This is some clit tease bullshit for sure. I wouldn't be so worked up if it were like, middle of Season 4 or some junk...but come on...what you talkin' bout willis??
I was also appreciative of the Alice/Tasha quickie on the couch. Cool beans. Whatevs. Didn't have me reaching over my bed with the only hand I had available to call my peeps about it, like every scene involving Rachel Shelley does but it was cool for what it was. I wanted to pick Tasha up and place her ever-so-gently in the shower. Then ruuuun back into the living room and pick up Alice and place her riiiight on the other side of Jaimie's wet body. THAT my friends, is direction. Now...action!
3. Jane Lynch Saves Everything, All The Time.
I was just about to unscrew my doorknob to throw it at the screen, when Jane Lynch magically appeared. I slowly backed away from my door, sat back down, and giggled for a few hundred seconds. She just makes EVERYTHING better.
2. Sing it With Me: Oompa, Lompa, Do Pa De Do, I've Got Another Puzzle For You. Oompa, Loompa, Do Pa De Da, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS BULLSHIT??
Not sure if that's exactly how the song is supposed to go, but I found my creative muse at around 6 minutes into the episode when I was literally stunned silent, with my mouth agape. I don't remember much from the accident, I just know that Max was humiliated in more ways than I could count, Jenny was crazier than EVER, and that Bette & Tina's stroller gift was lovely, except that putting hot coffee within 2 and half inches of a newborns leg doesn't seem like the BEST idea they've ever had. When they finally have a child, they'll know. ...oh wait.
*coughwheresbabygirlcough*
1. Helena's Taken to the Sauce, and Dylan's Taken to Being a Bloody Fool.
For the first 2 minutes of the show, Dylan is the smartest woman ALIVE. She didn't wanna be there (neither did I), she couldn't stop thinking about what and who went down the night before (neither could I), and all she wanted to do was hit that again (goes without saying, really). And then fastforward 45 awkward seconds and the unthinkable happens: Dylan leaves Helena...AGAIN. Are you serious?? I could understand her being bummed and embarrassed...but this bitch lied to Helena, then FRAMED her to embezzle millions (right? it better have been...hmph), and then left her beautiful ass high and dry. Ahem...wait...just got an unrelated image......
*pause*
...aaaand I'm back! Dylan, do me a favor baby and come here. Naw, come closer to the screen. Close your eyes and listen carefully:
What...in the bloody hell...were ya thinkin'? You crazy?? That's Helena, yo. HELL-ENA. Sometimes her bra is on when you do her. Sometimes it's off. But either way you slice it, that's HELENA you got there. *deep breath*
I know what happened to her. She snapped. I think these poets say it best in this video:
BONUS!!
This one goes out to my readers!
I didn't realize how many people dug my Top 10 lists until I was uber late posting this one, and I felt the wrath of the impatient lesbian masses:-) Since I only get anywhere from 15-40 comments on these lists each week, I figured it wouldn't be missed if I was sneaky and skipped a week. But oh no...how wrong I was! And that's FRICKIN AWESOME:-) Thanks so much for reading and for caring. This one's...for you. I hope you treasure it, embrace it, and live by it every single day:
Showing posts with label Top 10 list Season 6. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Top 10 list Season 6. Show all posts
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Top 10 Reasons L Word Season 6, Episode 6 Was..."On Crack or Somethin'?"
Monday, February 16, 2009
Top 10 Reasons L Word Season 6, Episode 5..."Checked Itself Befo' it Wrecked Itself"
10. Shane Tanks You.
At first I thought the budget for Shane's wardrobe had been cut since it seemed like all we've seen her in this season is tanks. White tanks. Black tanks. Tanks half on. Tanks half off. And while we all know good things happen when Shane wears tanks:
At first I thought the budget for Shane's wardrobe had been cut since it seemed like all we've seen her in this season is tanks. White tanks. Black tanks. Tanks half on. Tanks half off. And while we all know good things happen when Shane wears tanks:
9. Bette Actually Said the Words "You betta check yo'self befo' you wreck yo'self!"
I think I high-fived the TV when this surprising line came out of Ms. Porter's mouth. Kit must have been SO proud. I was so ready for Kit to stop the scene and start singing this to Bette:
8. Angelina Robinson Should've Just Directed Everything After Season 3.
Seriously. She wrote and directed this episode and the best episodes from the past few seasons. Now mind you, every episode would look like D.E.B.S., but who cares?? It would be fun as hell. This episode was funny, enjoyable and entertaining. Somebody needs to give this woman her own show already and PRONTO. "GIRLTRASH" would work, people. I'm just sayin.
7. Helena Should Talk More.
She just should. This is why:
Take special note of how she says the words "naked," and "hardcore" and "placard."
*swoon*
6. "...And That...is the Night...the Lights...Went Out...In WeHo!" Anytime Bette puts her dinner napkin to the side or gets *that* look on her face (you know the one), where she's juuust about to go OFF on someone, I'm always taken back to this Julia Sugarbaker scene from "Designing Women:"
5. Jenny, I Think You've Lost Your Mind...
Mia put the crazy poncho on and was off to the races in this episode. You know when Kirshner saw the script for this season, she had to be like, "Eff it. It's my last season, it'll pay for my rent for the next 5 years," and she just ran with that shit. Good for her for doing her job...and doing it well.
Now my good friend Terra Naomi certainly didn't have this Jenny in mind when she wrote this song a couple of years ago, but it's amazingly fitting:
4. That's Exactly How it is When I Walk Into Gay Pizza.
People wanna do shots of marinara sauce with me, take pics of my disgust at what's going on in the alley behind the bathroom me, and generally just kick it with me, pizza style. So I feel Nikki's pain. Sometimes you just wanna eat your gay pizza in peace. I still don't know how Nikki knew there were cameras to wave at in front of HIT, but that's just a tiny flaw in an otherwise cool episode, so I'm gonna chillax about it. Her Oscar rundown was pretty cool, and sounded like a conversation I've had about 50 times with my friends. And she was 90% spot-on except for something serious that was pointed out by a guy on youtube today. He's upset about the fact that the L Word referred to Brandon Teena as a lesbian in last night's episode. It's really quite interesting, so click here if you want to watch the vid. If after watching it you feel compelled to act, the same person is heading up a video response campaign that he's going to send to the writers. Click here to see the quick clip that explains that.
3. Where's Molly? And Still No Jessie Spano Boob Action??
Ok Ilene. Clementine Ford (the chick who plays Molly) came out last week. It is your duty now to show me her half nude body any chance you...wait, I'm getting a message from my producer:
Clementine Ford is on the phone? She wants me to know what? Oh...Pill Lady, I TOLD you, I'm working here, OK. Tell Clementine that I will call her back and that I already told her I would be her date to Dinah. Geez. And tell her to wear that thing I like. She knows what I'm talkin bout. Yeah...just like that...yeah... AHEM ok! And Elizabeth Berkeley still hasn't upset me even 1/10th as much as I thought she would when it was first announced she'd be on the show. But you also still haven't shown me her boobs. What's the deal? Are we seriously going to go an entire season with the woman who was in the movie "Stripper" or "Stripblade" or...whatever the hell it was called...and NOT see her boobs? That's an injustice.
2. They Found *Alice* Again!
...now only if they could keep track of Baby Girl. Hmm....anyhoo! I LOVED Alice in this episode. Finally, the Alice that we know and love. She's funny. She's clever. She's fiesty. She's sexy. And most of all, she's comfortable. Leisha acted her ASS off in this one. I don't know, something just seemed a bit off the first few episodes of this season. Aside from the letter reading on "The Look," I didn't see my old Alice anywhere. But perhaps again we have Angela R. to thank for making everyone feel so comfortable and get back to who they really are.
1. Alexandra Hedison is the Luckiest Dyke on the Face of the Planet:
Alright kids, here's the deal. Wait, I need a moment.
*deep breath*
Ok you know how me and Rachel Shelley(s) got married and everything. And you know how she is one of the hottest women on this earth, and how I take every opportunity possible to remind you of that? And you know how I like when she's on screen, whether it be sitting there, standing there, jogging there, laughing there, or yelling there? Well last night...last night I...I mean did you see...and then her leg...and then the stockings...and her moaning and she had wrapped her leg around...and then she had...*deep breath*
(I'm sure this video will be taken down at some point, so watch it while you can.)
Ok I'll admit it: I pressed my head against the screen every time it showed the back of Dylan's when they were kissing. Don't you judge me.
It's officially ok that there was no sex in last week's episode. I understand now that the entire crew had to prepare themselves for this scene. They needed their rest to focus.
I just want to take this time to personally thank Ms. Robinson for having the vision and the intelligence to put a half naked, very agile Helena on my screen last night. You are a scholar and a gentleman, my friend. I will erect monuments in your honor at some point, and after I stop giggling every time I say the word "erect" to the people helping me build these monuments, I will christen the monument with a bottle that is filled with liquid gold, milk thistle, and one of my tears.
BONUS!
At last year's Dinah, Rachel Shelley(s) made a surprise appearance (coming directly from my hotel room, of course) at Ourchart's "Be Scene" event. Here's how it went down, in case you missed it:
"Literally the greatest job I've ever had, people!" - Alexandra Hedison
...that bitch ain't lyin.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Top 10 Reasons L Word Season 6, Episode 4 Was..."a Nutloaf."
10. You See, It Was Like Meatloaf, But (Even More) Nuts.
Last night's episode of the L Word was a bit like this performance my wife had to do with Meatloaf a few years ago:
...and my Top 10 list will be much like my wife explaining the incident (minus a few "likes"):
9. "What is going on here tonight??"
I couldn't have said it better, myself, Kit. And even though she said this line while it was obviously daylight outside the Planet, I have to agree with her. There was some highfalutin mischief up in this episode, for sure. You know the episode is going to be off when they have Jenny callinganyone Dylan "insane" a few minutes into it. I swear when Tina said, "She set me up!" I thought to myself, "Ilene set us ALL up."
I'm going to go ahead and praise The El for actually keeping one character true to form this year, though. Let's see. We've had Ivan, Black Shrek, Mangus, Papi, and now Sunset Blvd. Kit has never, ever had a traditional romance on the show. So good for them for not hooking her up with some straight-laced, straight dude during the last season. Sunset Blvd is the least feminine-acting "drag queen" I've ever seen, but it wouldn't be Kit if she found herself a normal ol' queen, now would it?
8. The Vagina Dialogue.
As you know, I enjoy vagina. I think the spelling of it is fantastic. The pronunciation is to die for. And don't get me started on the rest. But last night I found myself saying something with regards to vagina, that I've never said before, and that I never thought I would HAVE to say: "Ewwww!" Yeah. When you gave *my Max* a beard, did I say anything? (yes.) When you got *my Max* pregnant, did I complain? (Yep.) And when you got *my Max* pregnant WITH A BEARD, did I once make a big deal out of it?? (I sure did.) But this whole stretching and massaging and fingering the vagina in Lamaze class was my limit. Watching 20 dudes learn how to oil up some preggar vag is ONLY fun when it's in porn, you guys! Oh and by the way, yes, I did just say "fingering the vagina" and "ewwww!" in the same post. And for that, Ilene, we are no longer (neverhavebeen) friends. This is me blowing you an air kiss and saying goodbye, Bette style.
Oh and also, give me *my Max* back:
7. Tight, Shiny, Rich Jessie Spano.
She's real, real tight. And real, real shiny. And apparently rich? Is that supposed to be the story? I sometimes forget what her deal is on the show cause I'm watching Bette's reflection off of her tight, shiny face and body. Don't get me wrong: I like tight, shiny, rich Jessie Spano. I just wish she'd get down to sexing someone on the show and stop with all this art talk. Jessie Spano, when in doubt, dowho what your former classmate Kelly Kapowski would do:
6. Dylan's Hair.
I know a lot of you are crackin' on Dylan's hair this season. "It looks like she's the Flying Nun"I totally some of you have said. "Whoa, Dyl, looks like someone accidentally put their finger(s) in a light socket and not Helena's puss" I totally said out loud several times some might have thought to themselves. But let me explain something to you: This is EXACTLY how your hair is SUPPOSED to look when you've had sex with Helena. In my opinion, Dylan's the only sane person on that show. Tina's had sex with Helena, but is her hair doing anything but being perfectly normal and pretty? NOPE. Everyone else has seen Helena and been in the same room with her, but their hair is fine. Let me show you how your hair is supposed to look after you've made sweet love to Helena:
Ok??
5. Is There a Disco in Jenny's Closet? (Or is She Just Happy to See Us)
There must be, cause every time she opens that thing, music starts playing. The same can also be said about Shane's legs, but that's a different story. Also, Tasha's hair was on point this episode. The soundtrack, however, was not.
4. My Phone Number is 832-531-5....
One question. Why in the FUCK was I not on the other end of that phone call? Is it cause I have T-Mobile and my reception can sometimes be dodgy? It is cause Rachel Shelley doesn't like to give people on set my phone number, in fear that they might try to get at me behind her back? I can't say. But what I can say is that this Jaime chick is a ridiculously lucky bitch...and I wish her all the luck in the world on this blind date. That's destined to be one hot...wait... I'm getting a message from my producer:
What? Jaime doesn't fall to her knees and thank the sweet Lord above once she realizes what Helena looks like AND that she's british?? Say it isn't so, Rainbow Brite. Say...it...isn't...so.
3. Baby Girl Aged 2 Years in 3 Weeks.
Well at least that means they're feeding her. So I won't be calling Child Protective Services this week. I do wonder though, since they barely know where Baby Girl is half the time, why are they trying to adopt? And while we're on the subject, what exactly did Bette and Tina talk to this Marcy/Marcie chick about on the phone before meeting her? It was supposed to be this wonderful, long conversation that made them rush to Laughlin, NV--and more importantly, created a good enough reason for Bette to sleep on Motel 6 sheets--but they seemed uber surprised about basically every detail of this chick's life once they were there. All I know is, I'd watch a spin-off of that hick family and Marcy/Marcie any day. Maybe I can get a gig on it being her next door neighbor who teaches her the ways of the gay?
2. "It was...delicious."
And so were you, my dear Helena. So were you.
*sigh*
Did y'all hear my baby say "gangsta" in the episode? How adorably posh of you, Rachel Shelley. Ha I just realized that from now on, I want to refer to Rachel Shelley as "Rachel Shelleys"...in honor of this "dude." I feel like it's exactly what he would call her if he ever met her in a movie theater:
Yeah, and also Jaime should've reacted a LOT differently than she did when she was first introduced to Helena. First of all, as we learned earlier, her hair should have instantly turned upward. I know I mention Rachel Shelleys a lot in my posts, so of course you know I dig her. We are married, after all. But let's get serious here for a moment, shall we? If you were a single chick and one of your new friends suggested you meet up with a good friend of theirs on a date...and then HELENA fucking PEABODY (c)literally strolled (on fucking AIR) into the living room, would you or would you not think to yourself, "FUCK."?? I mean seriously folks. Chemistry or not, we didn't even get a slight reaction to what is obviously one of the most stunning women in history. HISTORY. Eh, whatdyagonnado.
1. Where...Was...the...SEX??
If you're going to make us sit through an episode like this, at least throw in a couple of sets of (good) boobs, some moaning, and some fake strap-on play, folks. Have Shane working on a couple of girls at once, have Alice tie up Tasha and show her what she learned that one time she totally did it with a Vampire. Show the honeymoon footage of me and Rachel Shelleys that I sent in. Jeez. Do the Japanese and I have to do EVERYTHING ourselves??
click here for evidence.
Next week's episode looks decent. And of course, Angela Robinson is directing it, which explains why.
Bonus:
Um, SO this:
Last night's episode of the L Word was a bit like this performance my wife had to do with Meatloaf a few years ago:
...and my Top 10 list will be much like my wife explaining the incident (minus a few "likes"):
9. "What is going on here tonight??"
I couldn't have said it better, myself, Kit. And even though she said this line while it was obviously daylight outside the Planet, I have to agree with her. There was some highfalutin mischief up in this episode, for sure. You know the episode is going to be off when they have Jenny calling
I'm going to go ahead and praise The El for actually keeping one character true to form this year, though. Let's see. We've had Ivan, Black Shrek, Mangus, Papi, and now Sunset Blvd. Kit has never, ever had a traditional romance on the show. So good for them for not hooking her up with some straight-laced, straight dude during the last season. Sunset Blvd is the least feminine-acting "drag queen" I've ever seen, but it wouldn't be Kit if she found herself a normal ol' queen, now would it?
8. The Vagina Dialogue.
As you know, I enjoy vagina. I think the spelling of it is fantastic. The pronunciation is to die for. And don't get me started on the rest. But last night I found myself saying something with regards to vagina, that I've never said before, and that I never thought I would HAVE to say: "Ewwww!" Yeah. When you gave *my Max* a beard, did I say anything? (yes.) When you got *my Max* pregnant, did I complain? (Yep.) And when you got *my Max* pregnant WITH A BEARD, did I once make a big deal out of it?? (I sure did.) But this whole stretching and massaging and fingering the vagina in Lamaze class was my limit. Watching 20 dudes learn how to oil up some preggar vag is ONLY fun when it's in porn, you guys! Oh and by the way, yes, I did just say "fingering the vagina" and "ewwww!" in the same post. And for that, Ilene, we are no longer (neverhavebeen) friends. This is me blowing you an air kiss and saying goodbye, Bette style.
Oh and also, give me *my Max* back:
7. Tight, Shiny, Rich Jessie Spano.
She's real, real tight. And real, real shiny. And apparently rich? Is that supposed to be the story? I sometimes forget what her deal is on the show cause I'm watching Bette's reflection off of her tight, shiny face and body. Don't get me wrong: I like tight, shiny, rich Jessie Spano. I just wish she'd get down to sexing someone on the show and stop with all this art talk. Jessie Spano, when in doubt, do
6. Dylan's Hair.
I know a lot of you are crackin' on Dylan's hair this season. "It looks like she's the Flying Nun"
Ok??
5. Is There a Disco in Jenny's Closet? (Or is She Just Happy to See Us)
There must be, cause every time she opens that thing, music starts playing. The same can also be said about Shane's legs, but that's a different story. Also, Tasha's hair was on point this episode. The soundtrack, however, was not.
4. My Phone Number is 832-531-5....
One question. Why in the FUCK was I not on the other end of that phone call? Is it cause I have T-Mobile and my reception can sometimes be dodgy? It is cause Rachel Shelley doesn't like to give people on set my phone number, in fear that they might try to get at me behind her back? I can't say. But what I can say is that this Jaime chick is a ridiculously lucky bitch...and I wish her all the luck in the world on this blind date. That's destined to be one hot...wait... I'm getting a message from my producer:
What? Jaime doesn't fall to her knees and thank the sweet Lord above once she realizes what Helena looks like AND that she's british?? Say it isn't so, Rainbow Brite. Say...it...isn't...so.
3. Baby Girl Aged 2 Years in 3 Weeks.
Well at least that means they're feeding her. So I won't be calling Child Protective Services this week. I do wonder though, since they barely know where Baby Girl is half the time, why are they trying to adopt? And while we're on the subject, what exactly did Bette and Tina talk to this Marcy/Marcie chick about on the phone before meeting her? It was supposed to be this wonderful, long conversation that made them rush to Laughlin, NV--and more importantly, created a good enough reason for Bette to sleep on Motel 6 sheets--but they seemed uber surprised about basically every detail of this chick's life once they were there. All I know is, I'd watch a spin-off of that hick family and Marcy/Marcie any day. Maybe I can get a gig on it being her next door neighbor who teaches her the ways of the gay?
2. "It was...delicious."
And so were you, my dear Helena. So were you.
*sigh*
Did y'all hear my baby say "gangsta" in the episode? How adorably posh of you, Rachel Shelley. Ha I just realized that from now on, I want to refer to Rachel Shelley as "Rachel Shelleys"...in honor of this "dude." I feel like it's exactly what he would call her if he ever met her in a movie theater:
Yeah, and also Jaime should've reacted a LOT differently than she did when she was first introduced to Helena. First of all, as we learned earlier, her hair should have instantly turned upward. I know I mention Rachel Shelleys a lot in my posts, so of course you know I dig her. We are married, after all. But let's get serious here for a moment, shall we? If you were a single chick and one of your new friends suggested you meet up with a good friend of theirs on a date...and then HELENA fucking PEABODY (c)literally strolled (on fucking AIR) into the living room, would you or would you not think to yourself, "FUCK."?? I mean seriously folks. Chemistry or not, we didn't even get a slight reaction to what is obviously one of the most stunning women in history. HISTORY. Eh, whatdyagonnado.
1. Where...Was...the...SEX??
If you're going to make us sit through an episode like this, at least throw in a couple of sets of (good) boobs, some moaning, and some fake strap-on play, folks. Have Shane working on a couple of girls at once, have Alice tie up Tasha and show her what she learned that one time she totally did it with a Vampire. Show the honeymoon footage of me and Rachel Shelleys that I sent in. Jeez. Do the Japanese and I have to do EVERYTHING ourselves??
click here for evidence.
Next week's episode looks decent. And of course, Angela Robinson is directing it, which explains why.
Bonus:
Um, SO this:
Monday, February 2, 2009
Top 10 Reasons L word Season 6, Episode 3 Was..."Good. Better Than I Expected, Good."
10. Rachel Shelley on a Treadmill.
You see, the scene was probably only 5 or 6 seconds. But let me tell you why it will last in my heart, for a lifetime--or like, at least 2 weeks. For one, Helena aka "My SECOND WIFE, Rachel Shelley," was in tight clothes. Because of this, we were able to see her body parts almost as if she were wearing nothing at all. Second of all, she was also running (actually it was a weird hopping thing), therefore her body was in a vertical up and down movement. I'll invite you to look at the diagram and 3D mock-up I've created using entirely edible confections. If you turn your attention to the left side of your screen and--wait, I'm getting a signal from my producer:
--What? We can't secure the rights to manufacture an edible Rachel Shelley doll? I don't understand. She thinks what is creepy?.... oh I see. Ok. You win some, you lose some.
9. Tina's Bald, Angry Boss is Annoying as "Fuck."
No. There's nothing more to it.
8. Angela Robinson is Still the Best Director the Show's Ever Had. If you read my lists from last season, you know that I'm a big fan of Angela's directing and writing work on The El. She directed one of my favorite episodes of all time last season--you know, the one where they ate the weed brownies and had that big lezzy party?--and she directed this episode as well. And no matter what beef I have with large scale plots (or lack thereof) and character issues (*coughwhodatcough*) and character disappearances (*coughwheresbabygirl?somebodycallchildprotectiveservicescough*), I ALWAYS find myself absolutely loving the episodes she directs. The actresses seem to have a lot more fun when Angela's at the helm, and there's more improv, which makes it more natural and funny. It was also nice to see the quick cameo Angela had pitching the vampire movie to Tina in her office. LONG LIVE "GIRLTRASH!!"
7. Shane Boobs.
But where were Jenny's? Is there a clause that states you can't have both powerhouse boobs on the screen at once? Or maybe its something about the fact that if all 4 of them were out, they'd be touching and running amuck. In any case, I want my Jen-Boob-Bies. (That was supposed to sound like "I want my MTV"...did it work? *sigh*) Oh and, thank god they brought Jenny's dog back. I was getting hella worried.
6. EVERYONE's Reaction to Shane and Jenny.
Although I think an even better reaction would have been executed a bit like this:
Simian Mobile Disco - Hustler
5. "Studio Fifty-Fo??" You Have Got to be Kidding Me!
Look here. Pam Grier is an articulate, badass, classy lady! Why in the EFF do they have her saying "Studio Fifty-fo" all up in the L Word.
Look at this:
Mmmhmmm...that's the ONLY "part of Pam that is Kit." Not a "fo'" or "dat" in the mix. Stop it, Ilene. Stop it.
4. Mia Kirshner Describing Alice's "Unique Vocal Range." Mia was hilarious in this episode.
I also wanted to remind you guys that Mia Kirshner, along with 3 other co-authors, has released a book about refugees called "I Live Here." It's amazing to me how this is the same woman we watch every Sunday:
You should read these comments about the book. I think you can find it in most large bookstores.
3. You Can NOT Tell Me That This Was Kit's First *tam* Ever Getting a Text Message.
My mom is 2 months older than Kit and she will text me to tell me every *TAM* "that little girl"--mom code for "Reese Witherspoon"--has a new movie out. Or any *TAM* she wants to know if a certain woman is gay--my gaydar is AMAZINGLY accurate, but she thinks I invented it. My mom will text me if Simon says something extra cruel to Paula or if she needs to know the name of "that little bald-headed boy on that show with that father, you know!" So you can not tell me this is the first time Kit's seen a text come through. The bitches on that show text more than they talk and no one has EVER texted Kit?? I just thought of something: What if Kit has 47 unread messages from Baby Girl asking her to pick her up from wherever on earth they send her every day??
2. Helena Saying "bloody hell" Almost Made Up for All of Kit's Lines...
...except "studio fifty fo"
Fill in the Blank: "Helena: yo bootiful when you're..." According to Kit's reading of Dylan's note to Helena, the original ending to this sentence was "...angry." But as you well know, there are a plethora of other words that can be used in its place. I invite you to fill in the blank (thats what she said). I'll start you off (that's what she said).
Helena: Yo bootiful when you're...breathing.
Helena: Yo bootiful when you're...all up in my face.
Helena: Yo bootiful when you're...taking all of your clothes off in my bedroom and bein' all like "Arlan, you're the absolute best I've ever had. I didn't truly know what an orgasm WAS until I met you."
Yo turn!
1. Alice Through the Looking Glass. I don't know who we need to credit for having the sense to actually talk about something topical and relevant to the plight of the GLBT community in a NORMAL and realistic way, but extreme Juno-kudos to whoever it is. The letter Alice read on "The Look" was pitch perfect, and the whole Alice-uses-her-powers-for-good turnabout was really cool too. Hopefully the message reached a larger audience than the fake View's.
Please watch this:
BONUS!
The first tam I ever saw two girls really kiss was when I watched "The Incredibly True Adventures of Two Girls in Love" at age 16. I had started wondering about my sexuality after the whole *why is this new female Brazilian exchange student making my tummy tingle?* incident. So with my shiny new driver's license, I did a covert operation down at a small video store I NEVER went to. I thought I was clever doing it this way. No one would ever know. Too bad the dude working there had never heard of the movie and the place was SO small that instead of calling someone in the back room on the phone, he instead shouted across the entire store, "DUDE, do we have something called"--and at this point, I'm sure it wasn't as loud or as in slow motion as it seemed to me, but it went a little something like this: "--INCREDIBLY TRUE ADVENTURES OF TWWWOOOO GIIIIIRLS IN LOOOOOOOVE - LOOOVE - LOOOVE???"
*sigh*
Well I made it through that, went home, popped in the tape and had a few giggles at the clever dialogue and the pretty girls. "I'm still straight. I'm probably just a really cool friend of the community"--I thought to myself. That was until the point where Evie says to Randy, "...unshelter me." I was gay from that point on and I'm not sure if you've noticed or not, but I've never looked back. I actually cried the first time they kissed on screen because I felt normal and free and proud. And turned on. Really, really turned on.
But anyhoo...that is all to say that my bonus this week is for Laurel Holloman. She doesn't get enough love on my blog and she really should. I still don't know how one would go about putting "a trace on the film," but I love Tina all the same. And without Tina, we'd have no Baby Girl, Tibette sex or "tam."
HOLLER!
You see, the scene was probably only 5 or 6 seconds. But let me tell you why it will last in my heart, for a lifetime--or like, at least 2 weeks. For one, Helena aka "My SECOND WIFE, Rachel Shelley," was in tight clothes. Because of this, we were able to see her body parts almost as if she were wearing nothing at all. Second of all, she was also running (actually it was a weird hopping thing), therefore her body was in a vertical up and down movement. I'll invite you to look at the diagram and 3D mock-up I've created using entirely edible confections. If you turn your attention to the left side of your screen and--wait, I'm getting a signal from my producer:
--What? We can't secure the rights to manufacture an edible Rachel Shelley doll? I don't understand. She thinks what is creepy?.... oh I see. Ok. You win some, you lose some.9. Tina's Bald, Angry Boss is Annoying as "Fuck."
No. There's nothing more to it.
8. Angela Robinson is Still the Best Director the Show's Ever Had. If you read my lists from last season, you know that I'm a big fan of Angela's directing and writing work on The El. She directed one of my favorite episodes of all time last season--you know, the one where they ate the weed brownies and had that big lezzy party?--and she directed this episode as well. And no matter what beef I have with large scale plots (or lack thereof) and character issues (*coughwhodatcough*) and character disappearances (*coughwheresbabygirl?somebodycallchildprotectiveservicescough*), I ALWAYS find myself absolutely loving the episodes she directs. The actresses seem to have a lot more fun when Angela's at the helm, and there's more improv, which makes it more natural and funny. It was also nice to see the quick cameo Angela had pitching the vampire movie to Tina in her office. LONG LIVE "GIRLTRASH!!"
7. Shane Boobs.
But where were Jenny's? Is there a clause that states you can't have both powerhouse boobs on the screen at once? Or maybe its something about the fact that if all 4 of them were out, they'd be touching and running amuck. In any case, I want my Jen-Boob-Bies. (That was supposed to sound like "I want my MTV"...did it work? *sigh*) Oh and, thank god they brought Jenny's dog back. I was getting hella worried.
6. EVERYONE's Reaction to Shane and Jenny.
Although I think an even better reaction would have been executed a bit like this:
Simian Mobile Disco - Hustler
5. "Studio Fifty-Fo??" You Have Got to be Kidding Me!
Look here. Pam Grier is an articulate, badass, classy lady! Why in the EFF do they have her saying "Studio Fifty-fo" all up in the L Word.
Look at this:
Mmmhmmm...that's the ONLY "part of Pam that is Kit." Not a "fo'" or "dat" in the mix. Stop it, Ilene. Stop it.
4. Mia Kirshner Describing Alice's "Unique Vocal Range." Mia was hilarious in this episode.
I also wanted to remind you guys that Mia Kirshner, along with 3 other co-authors, has released a book about refugees called "I Live Here." It's amazing to me how this is the same woman we watch every Sunday:
You should read these comments about the book. I think you can find it in most large bookstores.
3. You Can NOT Tell Me That This Was Kit's First *tam* Ever Getting a Text Message.
My mom is 2 months older than Kit and she will text me to tell me every *TAM* "that little girl"--mom code for "Reese Witherspoon"--has a new movie out. Or any *TAM* she wants to know if a certain woman is gay--my gaydar is AMAZINGLY accurate, but she thinks I invented it. My mom will text me if Simon says something extra cruel to Paula or if she needs to know the name of "that little bald-headed boy on that show with that father, you know!" So you can not tell me this is the first time Kit's seen a text come through. The bitches on that show text more than they talk and no one has EVER texted Kit?? I just thought of something: What if Kit has 47 unread messages from Baby Girl asking her to pick her up from wherever on earth they send her every day??
2. Helena Saying "bloody hell" Almost Made Up for All of Kit's Lines...
...except "studio fifty fo"
Fill in the Blank: "Helena: yo bootiful when you're..." According to Kit's reading of Dylan's note to Helena, the original ending to this sentence was "...angry." But as you well know, there are a plethora of other words that can be used in its place. I invite you to fill in the blank (thats what she said). I'll start you off (that's what she said).
Helena: Yo bootiful when you're...breathing.
Helena: Yo bootiful when you're...all up in my face.
Helena: Yo bootiful when you're...taking all of your clothes off in my bedroom and bein' all like "Arlan, you're the absolute best I've ever had. I didn't truly know what an orgasm WAS until I met you."
Yo turn!
1. Alice Through the Looking Glass. I don't know who we need to credit for having the sense to actually talk about something topical and relevant to the plight of the GLBT community in a NORMAL and realistic way, but extreme Juno-kudos to whoever it is. The letter Alice read on "The Look" was pitch perfect, and the whole Alice-uses-her-powers-for-good turnabout was really cool too. Hopefully the message reached a larger audience than the fake View's.
Please watch this:
BONUS!
The first tam I ever saw two girls really kiss was when I watched "The Incredibly True Adventures of Two Girls in Love" at age 16. I had started wondering about my sexuality after the whole *why is this new female Brazilian exchange student making my tummy tingle?* incident. So with my shiny new driver's license, I did a covert operation down at a small video store I NEVER went to. I thought I was clever doing it this way. No one would ever know. Too bad the dude working there had never heard of the movie and the place was SO small that instead of calling someone in the back room on the phone, he instead shouted across the entire store, "DUDE, do we have something called"--and at this point, I'm sure it wasn't as loud or as in slow motion as it seemed to me, but it went a little something like this: "--INCREDIBLY TRUE ADVENTURES OF TWWWOOOO GIIIIIRLS IN LOOOOOOOVE - LOOOVE - LOOOVE???"
*sigh*
Well I made it through that, went home, popped in the tape and had a few giggles at the clever dialogue and the pretty girls. "I'm still straight. I'm probably just a really cool friend of the community"--I thought to myself. That was until the point where Evie says to Randy, "...unshelter me." I was gay from that point on and I'm not sure if you've noticed or not, but I've never looked back. I actually cried the first time they kissed on screen because I felt normal and free and proud. And turned on. Really, really turned on.
But anyhoo...that is all to say that my bonus this week is for Laurel Holloman. She doesn't get enough love on my blog and she really should. I still don't know how one would go about putting "a trace on the film," but I love Tina all the same. And without Tina, we'd have no Baby Girl, Tibette sex or "tam."
HOLLER!
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Top 10 Reasons L Word Season 6, Episode 2 Was...The Black Hole of Cal-CUNT-a
10. Helena & Her Glasses.
My baby can read the EFF out of some blueprints, y'all. Bet you didn't know. Bet the hot body and accent threw you off. One thing though, why oh why did she and Kit have to be wearing glasses while they were working on budgeting for the club? It was kind of like an elementary school play where you have to dress the kids up in over-the-top gear in order for the adults to understand what the hell the play is about. If only it had been a storyline about Helena's stripping addiction. Hmmm...maybe Jennifer beals could teach her a thing or two?
9. When Tasha and Alice Aren't Fucking or Laughing, They Get on My Last Nerve. But to be fair, that is true of EVERY single lesbian couple I know. So what are ya gonna do.
(pic from: www.thelword-downbelow.com)
I'm really not sure what happened between that really romantic moment where Tasha ran out of the courtroom lookin' all cute in her uniform and she and Alice got so romantical and shiz...and NOW, where every other scene they're biting each other's heads off and getting all PMS city on our asses. But as the characters realized in this episode, when they're gettin' their taffy on, things are good. And when Rose and Leisha are doing their improve scenes making each other laugh, things are good. So hopefully episodes 3 through 8 will just be a montage of Alice/Tasha sex then laughing...laughing then sex...sex then sex...I mean laughing.
8. Leave it to Jessie Spano to Use Up All the "Fuck" Points.
...but damn if she's not looking good!
7. Helena & Her Jogging Outfit.
I've never wanted to be a
more in my life!
6. Jane Lynch, in All Her Funny-Ass Naked Glory.
I told y'all bitches that I wanted to be Jane Lynch when I grew up. And I used to think I wanted to be her in a white tank top and suspenders. But now I know, I HAVE to be her completely nude. At all times. Cause wow, I thought after watching 40 Year Old Virgin, Best in Show, Role Models (and the list goes on...and on.... and on) that she wouldn't be able to surprise me or impress me any more. But oh my did she prove me wrong. Just naked. And chilly. And naked. That bitch is crazy. And I love it.
5. The Chronicles of Helena... All of Leisha Hailey's work in the club scenes was hilarious, but the best part had to be at the end of her *Helena rundown: Seasons 4&5 in exactly 60-seconds* spiel when she said "...and don't get me started on the kids, cause where did they go?" Amen Alice! Amen. Where the EFF are Helena's chil'rens? And you can't blame their absence on me because I told her right off the bat, if you want to be in a relationship with me, I want to get to know your kids. I'm a do right, all night, woman. And then we, ya know...did it.
4. I Never Thought I'd Say This, But... There are TOO Many Damn Lesbians in L.A.!
At least in L Wordland. Now I've lived in L.A. for 2 years and I get it, there are a LOT of us there. A LOT. Don't believe me? Just try to get into the Falcon on a Sunday night to watch the L Word. There are a lot of lesbians. A plethora of bitches. And I've found that there are a lot more of what you'd call the "femme" type. Several of the lesbians are professional and out and proud and fabulous. But DAMN. In L Word land, all of the cops, military personnel, club owners, hair dressers, professors, lawyers, computer techs, sports professionals & actresses (oh wait, they're right about those two), grocery store checkout girls, UPS delivery drivers (...oh wait!)...etc are LESBIANS. And not only are they the gay, but they're SUPER hot. I of course know that its just a show and its a mixture of fantasy and realism--since I've defended that aspect of it from day one--but something about this episode was just a bit overwhelming when it came to that. For once, I'd like to see a hot straight girl show up as a friend. We all have those, right? And she's not even fighting us in court or yelling discriminatory slurs at us. She's just eatin' her chili fries and mindin' her bizness like the rest of us. I think the reason they keep losing Baby Girl is cause she was demanding too much of a salary. So instead, they split it among all these bitches that showed up in this episode. At last count I had:
Elizabeth Berkeley
Jane Lynch
Alexandra Hedison
Cybill Shephard
Marlee Matlin
But that's nothing compared to what ended up on the cutting room floor. I was able to get the exclusive clips!:
3. Helena in Her...Oh Shit, She's Yelling, Y'all!
I'm making the official declaration that it is completely OK to use the word "fuck" as many times as you want to while on the L Word--as long as you are Rachel Shelley and you are either yelling it at someone or moaning it in my ear. I didn't make the rules. I am just here to enforce them.
By the way, this is what it looks like when Helena isn't yelling at Dylan:
2. Max Has a Beard and is Pregnant, Just Like Your Grandma.
Well I can't complain about Max not getting any lines or any semblance of a plot for so many episodes and then get upset when they go ahead and give him the plot of ALL plots, now can I? But I just have to say um...WHAT? And also: WHAT?? And on a completely different topic, WHAT THE FUCK? What do you guys think of this plot twist? Are you afraid they're biting off a bit more than they can chew with only 6 episodes left? Or are you glad they're finally giving Daniela Sea a meaty script so she can like...actually say words and stuff this season? Are you just as confused as I am about why Max called that dude a "faggot" so many times and kicked him in the balls? Do your ears hang low? Do they wobble to and fro? Can you tie em in a knot... Oh and uh, I never thought I'd say this either, but uh: I want the SOUL PATCH BACK, man.
1. The Kiss Heard 'Round the World.
K here's the deal. Shane and Jenny totally made out at the end of the episode. I know most of you don't like this for some reason that I haven't really figured out. And yes, it's strange. Yes, it was unexpected to the 50% of y'all who didn't steal the whole season off of the net weeks ago. Yes, it makes you wonder what the hell the writers were thinking. But I stand here today and I ask you this: What plotline on the L Word since Season 3 hasn't made you wonder this?? Let Shenny 'lone. Let them BE.
BONUS!
I have a lot of heroes in my life who give me strength, courage and hope. Today, I add another person to that list. Her name is Melissa. And though I've never met her and didn't know a thing about her until about 5 minutes ago (still dont), I can honestly say she is the wind beneath my wings. Melissa is the blonde in this picture:
Now, the next wind beneath my wings would be someone who could superimpose a picture of me into that one and take out Rose (no offense girl, just wanna rock with Rachel for a while. We still cool though, right?)...if anyone can do that and send me a link to the pic, I'll be your bff for like, at least 24 hours.
My baby can read the EFF out of some blueprints, y'all. Bet you didn't know. Bet the hot body and accent threw you off. One thing though, why oh why did she and Kit have to be wearing glasses while they were working on budgeting for the club? It was kind of like an elementary school play where you have to dress the kids up in over-the-top gear in order for the adults to understand what the hell the play is about. If only it had been a storyline about Helena's stripping addiction. Hmmm...maybe Jennifer beals could teach her a thing or two?
9. When Tasha and Alice Aren't Fucking or Laughing, They Get on My Last Nerve. But to be fair, that is true of EVERY single lesbian couple I know. So what are ya gonna do.
(pic from: www.thelword-downbelow.com)
I'm really not sure what happened between that really romantic moment where Tasha ran out of the courtroom lookin' all cute in her uniform and she and Alice got so romantical and shiz...and NOW, where every other scene they're biting each other's heads off and getting all PMS city on our asses. But as the characters realized in this episode, when they're gettin' their taffy on, things are good. And when Rose and Leisha are doing their improve scenes making each other laugh, things are good. So hopefully episodes 3 through 8 will just be a montage of Alice/Tasha sex then laughing...laughing then sex...sex then sex...I mean laughing.
8. Leave it to Jessie Spano to Use Up All the "Fuck" Points.
...but damn if she's not looking good!
7. Helena & Her Jogging Outfit.
I've never wanted to be a
more in my life!6. Jane Lynch, in All Her Funny-Ass Naked Glory.
I told y'all bitches that I wanted to be Jane Lynch when I grew up. And I used to think I wanted to be her in a white tank top and suspenders. But now I know, I HAVE to be her completely nude. At all times. Cause wow, I thought after watching 40 Year Old Virgin, Best in Show, Role Models (and the list goes on...and on.... and on) that she wouldn't be able to surprise me or impress me any more. But oh my did she prove me wrong. Just naked. And chilly. And naked. That bitch is crazy. And I love it.
5. The Chronicles of Helena... All of Leisha Hailey's work in the club scenes was hilarious, but the best part had to be at the end of her *Helena rundown: Seasons 4&5 in exactly 60-seconds* spiel when she said "...and don't get me started on the kids, cause where did they go?" Amen Alice! Amen. Where the EFF are Helena's chil'rens? And you can't blame their absence on me because I told her right off the bat, if you want to be in a relationship with me, I want to get to know your kids. I'm a do right, all night, woman. And then we, ya know...did it.
4. I Never Thought I'd Say This, But... There are TOO Many Damn Lesbians in L.A.!
At least in L Wordland. Now I've lived in L.A. for 2 years and I get it, there are a LOT of us there. A LOT. Don't believe me? Just try to get into the Falcon on a Sunday night to watch the L Word. There are a lot of lesbians. A plethora of bitches. And I've found that there are a lot more of what you'd call the "femme" type. Several of the lesbians are professional and out and proud and fabulous. But DAMN. In L Word land, all of the cops, military personnel, club owners, hair dressers, professors, lawyers, computer techs, sports professionals & actresses (oh wait, they're right about those two), grocery store checkout girls, UPS delivery drivers (...oh wait!)...etc are LESBIANS. And not only are they the gay, but they're SUPER hot. I of course know that its just a show and its a mixture of fantasy and realism--since I've defended that aspect of it from day one--but something about this episode was just a bit overwhelming when it came to that. For once, I'd like to see a hot straight girl show up as a friend. We all have those, right? And she's not even fighting us in court or yelling discriminatory slurs at us. She's just eatin' her chili fries and mindin' her bizness like the rest of us. I think the reason they keep losing Baby Girl is cause she was demanding too much of a salary. So instead, they split it among all these bitches that showed up in this episode. At last count I had:
Elizabeth Berkeley
Jane Lynch
Alexandra Hedison
Cybill Shephard
Marlee Matlin
But that's nothing compared to what ended up on the cutting room floor. I was able to get the exclusive clips!:
3. Helena in Her...Oh Shit, She's Yelling, Y'all!
I'm making the official declaration that it is completely OK to use the word "fuck" as many times as you want to while on the L Word--as long as you are Rachel Shelley and you are either yelling it at someone or moaning it in my ear. I didn't make the rules. I am just here to enforce them.
By the way, this is what it looks like when Helena isn't yelling at Dylan:
2. Max Has a Beard and is Pregnant, Just Like Your Grandma.
Well I can't complain about Max not getting any lines or any semblance of a plot for so many episodes and then get upset when they go ahead and give him the plot of ALL plots, now can I? But I just have to say um...WHAT? And also: WHAT?? And on a completely different topic, WHAT THE FUCK? What do you guys think of this plot twist? Are you afraid they're biting off a bit more than they can chew with only 6 episodes left? Or are you glad they're finally giving Daniela Sea a meaty script so she can like...actually say words and stuff this season? Are you just as confused as I am about why Max called that dude a "faggot" so many times and kicked him in the balls? Do your ears hang low? Do they wobble to and fro? Can you tie em in a knot... Oh and uh, I never thought I'd say this either, but uh: I want the SOUL PATCH BACK, man.
1. The Kiss Heard 'Round the World.
K here's the deal. Shane and Jenny totally made out at the end of the episode. I know most of you don't like this for some reason that I haven't really figured out. And yes, it's strange. Yes, it was unexpected to the 50% of y'all who didn't steal the whole season off of the net weeks ago. Yes, it makes you wonder what the hell the writers were thinking. But I stand here today and I ask you this: What plotline on the L Word since Season 3 hasn't made you wonder this?? Let Shenny 'lone. Let them BE.
BONUS!
I have a lot of heroes in my life who give me strength, courage and hope. Today, I add another person to that list. Her name is Melissa. And though I've never met her and didn't know a thing about her until about 5 minutes ago (still dont), I can honestly say she is the wind beneath my wings. Melissa is the blonde in this picture:
Now, the next wind beneath my wings would be someone who could superimpose a picture of me into that one and take out Rose (no offense girl, just wanna rock with Rachel for a while. We still cool though, right?)...if anyone can do that and send me a link to the pic, I'll be your bff for like, at least 24 hours.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Top 10 Reasons L Word Season 6, Episode 1 Was... "One Big Ass Whoopin'"
10. Max's 3.5-second Appearance on Alice's Computer Screen.
The way the show's been treating my dear Max, I'm surprised they gave him that much time. Someone's going to have to tell me where Max lives and where he is when he's not with the rest of the cast. Wait a minute. You don't think... you don't think he like...lives in the 'puter, do you??
9. Clementine Ford is Still Effin' Hot.
...and I'm still the dork who dorked out that one time I met her. Yeah. Some advice: Don't do that when you meet Clementine Ford. Don't dork out on her like I did. And if you do dork out on her like I did, don't post details about the dorking out on a website that she reads. Yeah. Anyhoo...she was hot last year. She's hot this year. And whether or not she realizes it, she's also one of the most naturally talented of all the cast members. Don't you think? Mark my words...this ain't the last you'll see/hear of her on film.
8. "Fuck That!"
Last year I said that Showtime must allot the writers a certain amount of *fuck* points to use throughout the season. I sure hope they were given extras this year, because if they weren't we won't be hearing another curse word again. They used the FUCK out of that word in this episode. And if they've run out of fuck points, how in the world will we know when Tasha is pissed? Or when Bette is? Or... Alice? Or...Shane? Or...Jenny? Or...
7. Xena, Whorier Princess? I Sure Hope So.
Don't throw things at me when I tell you this, but I've never seen an episode of "Xena." Yeah, I'm serious. I know I'm supposed to have. It's my lesbian duty and all. And for that failure, I am sorry. But I just have a hard time getting into shows like that. I tried SO hard to get into "Buffy" cause of all the gay (and cause lots of my readers threatened to do something they referred to as a "vampire slaying on dat ass" if I didn't)...but that didn't work out either. But I did see Lucy Lawless in person at a Prop 8 rally in L.A. that one time and I totally dig her accent and loved when she was on SNL. Does all that count? I sure hope so. Besides the fact that she looks SO much like Helena--which we all know is NEVER a bad thing--I'm looking forward to seeing how the writers are going to make it so she's able to get it on with someone while investigating Jenny's death. Not sure, but I think this will be involved somehow:
6. Tasha's Swagger
Tasha's just got that jam. Her eyebrows were on point in this episode, and even wearing that same old vest they always have her in, she still managed to make me love that taffy. You know its gotta be that laugh of Rose's. And the bandana. And the taffy. You know what I'm talkin' bout. Only one problem: Did Alice really call her the best person she's ever met? What about Dana? Or am I being too sensitive? While we figure out the answers to these questions, let us stare at the Tasha/Alice taffy we've all come to love:
5. The Curious Case of Jennifer Beals
What if I told you that instead of gettin' olda, Jennifer Beals was gettin' yunga dan e'rybody else? Yep. That bitch is getting younger before our very eyes! I wanna know what kinda tonic or ya know...ointment, she uses. Whatever it is (I know...I know...), she should package it and sell it with a picture of her face on the bottle like that Paul Newman used to do. Oh and by the way, that whole hospital debacle would have never happened if Tina and Bette would have just let me and Helena babysit Baby Girl like we offered. I mean seriously, you get caught making out naked with Helena ONE TIME in the Porter-Kennard household and you're branded for life. Geez!
4. There's Papi! ...oh and Also, Someone Mentioned Carmen.
I still don't know when Alice moved into a castle, but I do know where I wanna hang tonight: Papi's crib. Bitch-filled balconies. Bitch-filled kitches. Bitch-filled foyers. You gotta love it.
3. Oh My God: They Killed Jenny! Yoooou Bastards!
Ilene Chaiken recently admitted in an interview with the Advocate that she now regrets killing off Dana... and I was totally going to make fun of this, until I realized how cool it is that she admitted that. That's a tough thing to do when you're trying to please so manycrazy ass lesbians people. So Juno-kudos for that, Ilene. Good times. Now that that's taken care of, all that silly death is over and we can get back to the sexua...wait, I'm getting a message from my producer....
They killed someone else? An extra? Or like, Mangus? What, a principle character? Well not someone who's been on the show since day one, right? Oh. Jenny Schecter. K. *excuse me while my head explodes cartoon style* *deep breath* Ok I can handle this. I trust the writers and their vision. *head tilt* Oh and bi the way, I think I know who diiiiiid iiiiiit...
2. I Got YoBag Back, Gurl.
I think out of all the cast members, Kate Moennig seems to have the most fun with her job. And watching her go around West Hollywood begging people for a couch to crash on while carrying her cute little sack that I can only assume was full of finger condoms and gumption...well it just brought back memories of...well...my life last week:-)
I love this video tribute to Shane:
1. Jenny's...Left...(and Right)...Boob!!
Ok first of all let me just declare something right here and now: from now on, I will do ALL of my household chores while only wearing pants and a bra. There's absolutely no reason for it except for the mailman to get anawful eyeful, but if Jenny's doin it, I'm doin it. K? Now second of all, THIS:
Yeah that video is certainly going to be taken off of Youtube tres, tres soon (and the actual scene is longer...check it out on Showtime). But uh, Mia Kirshner needs to have my babies. That bitch can act her ass off.
BONUS gripe! 3 words: Not. Enough. Helena.
So what did you think of this episode overall? I've received feedback from people that ranges from "omg! it was so awesome i loved it the whole cast should marry me yaaay!" (paraphrasing of course) to "omg, boring, i hated it wtf??"...What did YOU think? My opinion is as long as there's some Rachel Shelley on my screen in every episode (*cough*dylansex*cough*) and the writers don't decide to kill her off, or sell her to Papi, or send her on a "play date" for 3 months with Baby Girl, I'm a happy camper. The rest of the show is just filler to get me to some Rachel Shelley on my screen. You dig? You dig:-) Oh and I don't know who sings this or what she's going on about, but I DO know that it is very important that we all watch Rachel Shelley move in slow motion right now:
You know that little security move she did this episode? I taught her that between all the sex we had. I also taught her how to give *dap* better than Foxxy Brown. Who knew she had it in her??
The way the show's been treating my dear Max, I'm surprised they gave him that much time. Someone's going to have to tell me where Max lives and where he is when he's not with the rest of the cast. Wait a minute. You don't think... you don't think he like...lives in the 'puter, do you??
9. Clementine Ford is Still Effin' Hot.
...and I'm still the dork who dorked out that one time I met her. Yeah. Some advice: Don't do that when you meet Clementine Ford. Don't dork out on her like I did. And if you do dork out on her like I did, don't post details about the dorking out on a website that she reads. Yeah. Anyhoo...she was hot last year. She's hot this year. And whether or not she realizes it, she's also one of the most naturally talented of all the cast members. Don't you think? Mark my words...this ain't the last you'll see/hear of her on film.
8. "Fuck That!"
Last year I said that Showtime must allot the writers a certain amount of *fuck* points to use throughout the season. I sure hope they were given extras this year, because if they weren't we won't be hearing another curse word again. They used the FUCK out of that word in this episode. And if they've run out of fuck points, how in the world will we know when Tasha is pissed? Or when Bette is? Or... Alice? Or...Shane? Or...Jenny? Or...
7. Xena, Whorier Princess? I Sure Hope So.
Don't throw things at me when I tell you this, but I've never seen an episode of "Xena." Yeah, I'm serious. I know I'm supposed to have. It's my lesbian duty and all. And for that failure, I am sorry. But I just have a hard time getting into shows like that. I tried SO hard to get into "Buffy" cause of all the gay (and cause lots of my readers threatened to do something they referred to as a "vampire slaying on dat ass" if I didn't)...but that didn't work out either. But I did see Lucy Lawless in person at a Prop 8 rally in L.A. that one time and I totally dig her accent and loved when she was on SNL. Does all that count? I sure hope so. Besides the fact that she looks SO much like Helena--which we all know is NEVER a bad thing--I'm looking forward to seeing how the writers are going to make it so she's able to get it on with someone while investigating Jenny's death. Not sure, but I think this will be involved somehow:
6. Tasha's Swagger
Tasha's just got that jam. Her eyebrows were on point in this episode, and even wearing that same old vest they always have her in, she still managed to make me love that taffy. You know its gotta be that laugh of Rose's. And the bandana. And the taffy. You know what I'm talkin' bout. Only one problem: Did Alice really call her the best person she's ever met? What about Dana? Or am I being too sensitive? While we figure out the answers to these questions, let us stare at the Tasha/Alice taffy we've all come to love:
5. The Curious Case of Jennifer Beals
What if I told you that instead of gettin' olda, Jennifer Beals was gettin' yunga dan e'rybody else? Yep. That bitch is getting younger before our very eyes! I wanna know what kinda tonic or ya know...ointment, she uses. Whatever it is (I know...I know...), she should package it and sell it with a picture of her face on the bottle like that Paul Newman used to do. Oh and by the way, that whole hospital debacle would have never happened if Tina and Bette would have just let me and Helena babysit Baby Girl like we offered. I mean seriously, you get caught making out naked with Helena ONE TIME in the Porter-Kennard household and you're branded for life. Geez!
4. There's Papi! ...oh and Also, Someone Mentioned Carmen.
I still don't know when Alice moved into a castle, but I do know where I wanna hang tonight: Papi's crib. Bitch-filled balconies. Bitch-filled kitches. Bitch-filled foyers. You gotta love it.
3. Oh My God: They Killed Jenny! Yoooou Bastards!
Ilene Chaiken recently admitted in an interview with the Advocate that she now regrets killing off Dana... and I was totally going to make fun of this, until I realized how cool it is that she admitted that. That's a tough thing to do when you're trying to please so many
They killed someone else? An extra? Or like, Mangus? What, a principle character? Well not someone who's been on the show since day one, right? Oh. Jenny Schecter. K. *excuse me while my head explodes cartoon style* *deep breath* Ok I can handle this. I trust the writers and their vision. *head tilt* Oh and bi the way, I think I know who diiiiiid iiiiiit...
2. I Got Yo
I think out of all the cast members, Kate Moennig seems to have the most fun with her job. And watching her go around West Hollywood begging people for a couch to crash on while carrying her cute little sack that I can only assume was full of finger condoms and gumption...well it just brought back memories of...well...my life last week:-)
I love this video tribute to Shane:
1. Jenny's...Left...(and Right)...Boob!!
Ok first of all let me just declare something right here and now: from now on, I will do ALL of my household chores while only wearing pants and a bra. There's absolutely no reason for it except for the mailman to get an
Yeah that video is certainly going to be taken off of Youtube tres, tres soon (and the actual scene is longer...check it out on Showtime). But uh, Mia Kirshner needs to have my babies. That bitch can act her ass off.
BONUS gripe! 3 words: Not. Enough. Helena.
So what did you think of this episode overall? I've received feedback from people that ranges from "omg! it was so awesome i loved it the whole cast should marry me yaaay!" (paraphrasing of course) to "omg, boring, i hated it wtf??"...What did YOU think? My opinion is as long as there's some Rachel Shelley on my screen in every episode (*cough*dylansex*cough*) and the writers don't decide to kill her off, or sell her to Papi, or send her on a "play date" for 3 months with Baby Girl, I'm a happy camper. The rest of the show is just filler to get me to some Rachel Shelley on my screen. You dig? You dig:-) Oh and I don't know who sings this or what she's going on about, but I DO know that it is very important that we all watch Rachel Shelley move in slow motion right now:
You know that little security move she did this episode? I taught her that between all the sex we had. I also taught her how to give *dap* better than Foxxy Brown. Who knew she had it in her??
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