Top 10 Reasons L Word Season 6, Episode 4 Was..."a Nutloaf."

10. You See, It Was Like Meatloaf, But (Even More) Nuts.


Last night's episode of the L Word was a bit like this performance my wife had to do with Meatloaf a few years ago:


...and my Top 10 list will be much like my wife explaining the incident (minus a few "likes"):


9. "What is going on here tonight??"
I couldn't have said it better, myself, Kit. And even though she said this line while it was obviously daylight outside the Planet, I have to agree with her. There was some highfalutin mischief up in this episode, for sure. You know the episode is going to be off when they have Jenny calling anyone Dylan "insane" a few minutes into it. I swear when Tina said, "She set me up!" I thought to myself, "Ilene set us ALL up."

I'm going to go ahead and praise The El for actually keeping one character true to form this year, though. Let's see. We've had Ivan, Black Shrek, Mangus, Papi, and now Sunset Blvd. Kit has never, ever had a traditional romance on the show. So good for them for not hooking her up with some straight-laced, straight dude during the last season. Sunset Blvd is the least feminine-acting "drag queen" I've ever seen, but it wouldn't be Kit if she found herself a normal ol' queen, now would it?


8. The Vagina Dialogue.
As you know, I enjoy vagina. I think the spelling of it is fantastic. The pronunciation is to die for. And don't get me started on the rest. But last night I found myself saying something with regards to vagina, that I've never said before, and that I never thought I would HAVE to say: "Ewwww!" Yeah. When you gave *my Max* a beard, did I say anything? (yes.) When you got *my Max* pregnant, did I complain? (Yep.) And when you got *my Max* pregnant WITH A BEARD, did I once make a big deal out of it?? (I sure did.) But this whole stretching and massaging and fingering the vagina in Lamaze class was my limit. Watching 20 dudes learn how to oil up some preggar vag is ONLY fun when it's in porn, you guys! Oh and by the way, yes, I did just say "fingering the vagina" and "ewwww!" in the same post. And for that, Ilene, we are no longer (neverhavebeen) friends. This is me blowing you an air kiss and saying goodbye, Bette style.
Oh and also, give me *my Max* back:


7. Tight, Shiny, Rich Jessie Spano.
She's real, real tight. And real, real shiny. And apparently rich? Is that supposed to be the story? I sometimes forget what her deal is on the show cause I'm watching Bette's reflection off of her tight, shiny face and body. Don't get me wrong: I like tight, shiny, rich Jessie Spano. I just wish she'd get down to sexing someone on the show and stop with all this art talk. Jessie Spano, when in doubt, do who what your former classmate Kelly Kapowski would do:


6. Dylan's Hair.
I know a lot of you are crackin' on Dylan's hair this season. "It looks like she's the Flying Nun" I totally some of you have said. "Whoa, Dyl, looks like someone accidentally put their finger(s) in a light socket and not Helena's puss" I totally said out loud several times some might have thought to themselves. But let me explain something to you: This is EXACTLY how your hair is SUPPOSED to look when you've had sex with Helena. In my opinion, Dylan's the only sane person on that show. Tina's had sex with Helena, but is her hair doing anything but being perfectly normal and pretty? NOPE. Everyone else has seen Helena and been in the same room with her, but their hair is fine. Let me show you how your hair is supposed to look after you've made sweet love to Helena:

Ok??

5. Is There a Disco in Jenny's Closet? (Or is She Just Happy to See Us)


There must be, cause every time she opens that thing, music starts playing. The same can also be said about Shane's legs, but that's a different story. Also, Tasha's hair was on point this episode. The soundtrack, however, was not.

4. My Phone Number is 832-531-5....
One question. Why in the FUCK was I not on the other end of that phone call? Is it cause I have T-Mobile and my reception can sometimes be dodgy? It is cause Rachel Shelley doesn't like to give people on set my phone number, in fear that they might try to get at me behind her back? I can't say. But what I can say is that this Jaime chick is a ridiculously lucky bitch...and I wish her all the luck in the world on this blind date. That's destined to be one hot...wait... I'm getting a message from my producer:
What? Jaime doesn't fall to her knees and thank the sweet Lord above once she realizes what Helena looks like AND that she's british?? Say it isn't so, Rainbow Brite. Say...it...isn't...so.

3. Baby Girl Aged 2 Years in 3 Weeks.
Well at least that means they're feeding her. So I won't be calling Child Protective Services this week. I do wonder though, since they barely know where Baby Girl is half the time, why are they trying to adopt? And while we're on the subject, what exactly did Bette and Tina talk to this Marcy/Marcie chick about on the phone before meeting her? It was supposed to be this wonderful, long conversation that made them rush to Laughlin, NV--and more importantly, created a good enough reason for Bette to sleep on Motel 6 sheets--but they seemed uber surprised about basically every detail of this chick's life once they were there. All I know is, I'd watch a spin-off of that hick family and Marcy/Marcie any day. Maybe I can get a gig on it being her next door neighbor who teaches her the ways of the gay?

2. "It was...delicious."
And so were you, my dear Helena. So were you.
*sigh*
Did y'all hear my baby say "gangsta" in the episode? How adorably posh of you, Rachel Shelley. Ha I just realized that from now on, I want to refer to Rachel Shelley as "Rachel Shelleys"...in honor of this "dude." I feel like it's exactly what he would call her if he ever met her in a movie theater:


Yeah, and also Jaime should've reacted a LOT differently than she did when she was first introduced to Helena. First of all, as we learned earlier, her hair should have instantly turned upward. I know I mention Rachel Shelleys a lot in my posts, so of course you know I dig her. We are married, after all. But let's get serious here for a moment, shall we? If you were a single chick and one of your new friends suggested you meet up with a good friend of theirs on a date...and then HELENA fucking PEABODY (c)literally strolled (on fucking AIR) into the living room, would you or would you not think to yourself, "FUCK."?? I mean seriously folks. Chemistry or not, we didn't even get a slight reaction to what is obviously one of the most stunning women in history. HISTORY. Eh, whatdyagonnado.

1. Where...Was...the...SEX??

If you're going to make us sit through an episode like this, at least throw in a couple of sets of (good) boobs, some moaning, and some fake strap-on play, folks. Have Shane working on a couple of girls at once, have Alice tie up Tasha and show her what she learned that one time she totally did it with a Vampire. Show the honeymoon footage of me and Rachel Shelleys that I sent in. Jeez. Do the Japanese and I have to do EVERYTHING ourselves??
click here for evidence.

Next week's episode looks decent. And of course, Angela Robinson is directing it, which explains why.

Bonus:
Um, SO this: