In this weeks Steppin' Out magazine, bloated Howard Stern sidekick, Artie Lange is named "Asshole Of The Week" for his recent DUI arrest and Lexapro excuse. See text below and column attached:
Too Fat To Fish? or... Too High Too Drive?
BY CHAUNCE HAYDEN
No celebrity has had the distinction of “Asshole of the Week” honors more than Howard Stern flunky Artie Lange. In fact, rarely does a week go by when this bloated comic doesn’t do something moronically stupid. Thus, I do my best to restrain myself and try to keep “Asshole” consideration for other celebrity standouts equally deserving. However, I cannot restrain myself any longer. Artie... you’re an asshole!
This past Monday, Lange, who in the past has lied about his drug use, addressed his recent arrest for DUI in Toms River, N.J. by proclaiming that he had been clean and sober for months. Here’s a tip for you rookies out there: Drug addicts lie, and they lie often. Lange is a self-admitted drug addict. Let’s move on.
Lange’s attorney has ordered him to keep his mouth shut about the charges, but that didn’t stop this dope from opening his big mouth once again and swearing that he blew a 0.0 on the Breathalyzer test that was given at the scene of the arrest. Yes, Artie, the Toms River Police Department has nothing better to do than to arrest innocent slobs like yourself. Maybe the cops were just big fans and wanted your autograph, though I doubt it since your fans seems to be shrinking faster than a hamburger placed anywhere near that vacuum you call a mouth. How stupid do you think we are?
So, where does that leave us? What could poor Artie have done wrong that would have led to his arrest for DUI? After all, there’s no way Lange had any booze or illicit drugs in his massive system. Hmm. Thinking... thinking... wait! Fatso apparently just remembered that his erratic driving could possibly be due to the antidepressant Lexapro! Phew! That’s it! Lexapro is to blame.
Good one, Artie! One thing, though: I’ve been taking Lexapro for three years, and I don’t ever recall being arrested for smashing into another car and failing a roadside DUI test. Indeed, Lexapro pulls you out of the gloom and doom of everyday life but causing you to drive into other cars, it does not. Nice try, chubby.
Artie Lange is scheduled to appear in court on Friday, July 17 unless, of course, Lexapro makes him forget to show up.
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Artie Lange talks about the Accident, DUI and Jail from savebabygorilla.com
July 13th, 2009
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“Actually, I can’t talk about it. I’ll spill my guts another day. I’m actually doing something sensible and listening to a lawyer,” said Artie Lange, talking about his arrest last Friday for Suspicion of DUI after a traffic accident.
Artie explained that he was on the way back from the pharmacy to pick up antibiotics for his sick mother when the accident occurred. No wonder the police arrested him, it sounds made up already. Of course, this is just the beginning of another story in a life that turned a book into a best seller. Artie said, “It wasn’t even an accident…no, not really.” Two 20-year-old kids were in the other car involved in the collision. They both recognized Artie and were adamant that they were not close to being hurt. Artie said they were both “cool with it”.
At the time of the accident, Artie was driving a Nissan Sentra. He explained that it was a rental car because his Mercedes was in the shop getting around $8,000 worth of repairs done to it. Back in June, Artie had parked his car over night at the airport. When he returned the following day, he noticed that his car was damaged and whoever was at fault had already left the scene. Artie’s friend and director of Beer League, Frank Sebastiano called Artie to joke about how bad it looks that he was driving a Senta.
Once the police arrived, Artie was given a Breathalyzer, in which he passed with a 0.0. He swears that he was not drinking, nor was he taking any illegal drugs. However, he did say that he had just started taking a prescription for Lexapro. He said the cops were very nice and cordial about everything.
After the arrest, Artie was taken to jail and only stayed there for about an hour and a half. Artie recounted, “Oddly enough, I am very familiar with those surroundings. It was weird being in a cell, I was like, I’ve been here before.” He thought it was his 18th time he had been arrested. While there he was given a urine test to check for narcotics. Artie said that he voluntarily took all the tests.
Artie’s court date is scheduled for this Friday. He said he is taking this all very seriously since it is a DUI and can lose his license and possibly work. Artie joked about his mug shot, “I already had a mug shot, I think I was happy with my first couple…and what I must look like in this mug shot because I hadn’t showered yet and neglected to shave the entire vacation.”
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