TWINS DO SCIENCE

Twins Do Science starring Lacey Love, Lyndsey Love, James Deen, Jack Lawrence, Brooke, Daisy, Steven St. Croix, Frank Bukkwyd and directed by Paul Thomas



The Plot: Dim-witted twins Lacey and Lyndsey Love have been living off their grandpa for years. When he dies they think they have it made, but to their disappointment they find they have to work in the field of science for a year before they can inherit his money. On top of that, they won't get an allowance, but will have to live off whatever they earn.



Their first assignment is to pick up some semen samples which, of course, they manage to lose. They call up some friends to help them collect some more samples - too bad they didn't know what they lost was bull semen and NOT human semen.



: Twins Do Science had the look and feel of a cheaply made cable TV "young teen" production. The bad acting of The Love Twins was a good fit, since they were suppose to be a couple of air-heads (heck, who knows, maybe they weren't acting). The main problem with Twins Do Science was the sex scenes. Twins Do Science could have been a fairly enjoyable light-hearted sex romp of a movie, but The Twins were incapable of any type of realistic performances during their sex scenes. At one point, one of The Twins actually takes time to look at her watch. Who knew a porno could be ruined by the sex scenes?



Twins Do Science ended with the plot leading you to believe this would be the first in a series - I shudder to think there could have been a Twins Do Science 2. Twins Do Science would rate an F-, but since there were a couple of funny scenes (with the opening scene being the standout) and the movie had its own catchy theme song "Twins Twins Everybody Wins", I'm going to rate this one a D-

MILES FROM NEEDLES

Miles From Needles starring Kimberly Kane, Savanna Samson, April Blossom, Maria Bellucci, Evan Stone, James Deen, Steven St. Croix, Brian Surewood and directed by B. Skow

The Plot: Stephen St. Croix finds April Blossom and his wife, Savanna Samson having sex (the first 25+ minute sex scene in Miles From Needles, which is the length of all the sex scenes in the movie). He starts having rough sex with Savanna, and this being porn, April eventually joins the duo. In a panic that St. Croix will kill them, April murders him and the two women go on the run, where their life intersects with the weird.

Things start down the wrong track when they are arrested by Evan Stone and taken to jail. It turns out Evan isn't a real policeman and has taken them to his own private jail. They are handcuffed standing up to a wall where they get to watch Evan and his wife/girlfriend, Kimberly Kane have sex.

Miles To Needles then cuts to the next morning where we get a scene that looks straight out of an early John Waters film. The women are chained to a table and are being served breakfast by Evan and Kimberly in their trailer. Kimberly is dressed, but Evan walks around naked while James Deen, who is referred to by the other two family members as Constance, crouches and hides around the kitchen in his underwear. When Evan and Kimberly leave, the girls convince Deen to let them go and they will hug him as he has requested.....the John Waters influence stops here as James Deen, Savanna, and April all start into the next sex scene. To their surprise, Evan and Kimberly are wise to what was going to happen, as we see them pull back a curtain they have been hiding behind waiting to watch their morning entertainment.

After the sex scene, Deen puts the naked women into a darkened room, where they are later visited by Evan holding a flashlight. When Evan forces one of them to have oral sex the movie loses continuity, since we can see both of Evan's hands but the flashlight is still mysteriously being pointed at the girls. Evans' wife gets wind of what he's doing and calls him out of the room. The girls somehow get dressed in mere seconds (I guess they found their clothes with the flashlight Evan left behind, but my oh my they are fast dressers) and jump out of the room and hit Evan with the flashlight.

The girls run out of the house and are chased by Evan, who gets so tuckered out he has to stop and use his inhaler. The girls hide out in a garage where Brian Surewood and Maria Belucci are having sex. Evan comes to the garage and joins in the action. This sex scene includes Evan holding a camera which is supposed to be showing us the action and the movie loses continuity once again, as the camera and what the viewer sees are never correctly in alignment. After this long sex scene the girls flee again and after a lot of running they wind up in the backyard of the same house they fled from....where???....I won't spoil anymore of the plot, but will mention one other odd bit - someone gets killed near the end of the movie, but magically reappears in the closing scene of Miles From Needles.

: The sex scenes are so long, I've even seen reviewers, who are primarily interested in XXX movies for the sex scenes, mention they're too long in Miles From Needles. The movie did use some standard plot devices to set up the sex scenes, but the main story was outside the usual realm of porn plots, with the "John Waters" scene definitely being quite novel for this genre of movie making. The acting, for the most part, was up to the level of late night cable viewing with no one being weak in their parts. I really couldn't pick the best actor in the movie, but Kimberly and Evan are always top rated adult actors in my book. If the sex scenes hadn't been mind numbingly long and with a little more attention to details, I could have rated Miles From Needles higher, as it stands I going to give it a C+

NEXT

Next starring Kaylani Lei, Brianna Love, Voodoo, Derrick Pierce, Kissy Kapri, Tommy Gunn, Steven St. Croix, Alex Sanders and directed by Jonathan Morgan.

The Plot: Two girlfriends (Kaylani and Brianna) discuss their current relationships and make them sound a little bit better than they really are. Brianna convinces Kaylani to try speed dating where they meet a roomful of wacky characters.

: If this was a mainstream movie it would be labeled a "chick flick", which would make a lot of guys and some "chicks" avoid such a movie at the local multiplex. In the land of porno, movies don't get labeled like that and Next is just labeled a plot based feature.

Kaylani does a great job in her role, but she is basically playing the part of the "straight man" to Brianna's wackiness. Brianna is so good as the ditsy friend, she really steals the movie from the star, Kaylani. Since Next is a short 89 minute movie, the sex scenes (which are integrated into the film) don't run on to the point of becoming boring and detracting from the flow of he movie. As an added plus to the movie, there are a few XXX directors who make cameos during the speed dating segment. Next was another great movie from Jonathan Morgan, who to the best of my memory, has never disappointed me. I grade this one an A.

RAWHIDE

Rawhide starring Carmen Luvana, Kaylani Lei, Julian, Olivia Del Rio, Taylor Rain, Velvet Rose, Brooke Balentyne, Jesse V., Natalia Wood, Evan Stone, Randy Spears, Steven St. Croix, Dale DaBone, Cheyne Collins, Joey Ray and directed by Nicholas Steele

The Plot: Carmen Luvana has been living in the city for years, but after her father dies, she inherits his ranch and must make a decision to either sell the ranch or run it herself.

: Rawhide had a logical plot, was shot on location and had great costumes. This should have been one of the best feature XXX movies I had ever seen, instead I found a movie that wound up boring me. I'm going to blame it on bad editing. The almost three hour running time is padded with long scenes of people riding horses, shots of the locales, or even having the camera linger on a fire. The other problem I had with Rawhide was, after sinking so much money in the movie, why didn't they hire a cameraman who could backlight a scene. There were way too many scenes in the movie which were either too dark due to being lit wrong OR maybe not lit at all. While Rawhide was a major disappointment for me, I appreciate the high production values and the effort put into the movie to make it appear almost mainstream (albeit with hardcore sex) and I'm going to give it a B.

FIRED

Lately my rental company has been sending me items from my rental line-up that I don't even remember putting on my list. When I received Fired in the mail, I saw that it was directed by Jonathan Morgan (one of the more reliable porn directors) and it starred Carmen Hart (who did a great comedic turn in Carmen Goes South) and I assumed this combination had led me to putting Fired on my list. As added bonuses, Fired also featured Katie Morgan and Stephen St. Croix. The combination of Jonathan Morgan, Carmen Hart, Katie Morgan, and Stephen St. Croix let me have high hopes for Fired, and for once I wasn't disappointed.

The movie starts with Carmen coming home from the fair with T.J. Cummings, who she has just met that day and of course this leads to the first sex scene. T.J. turns off Carmen's alarm clock the next morning; this causes Carmen to oversleep and lose her job and we find out she is an expert at losing jobs.

Carmen's two best friends, Katie Morgan (who's got the dumb blond thing down pat) and Nikki Rhodes are going to help Carmen decide on a career. First, Katie tells her about being a secretary and this leads to a sex scene between Katie and Evan Stone. Carmen gets a secretarial job and on her first day she needs to copy and collate some items. I won't go into too much detail about this scene, since I don't won't to spoil anyone's fun when they see Fired. I will say that the copy room scene is the funniest scene I have ever seen in a porno. I mean, fall out of your chair funny.

Since secretary didn't work out, Nikki tells Carmen about being a nurse for Steven St. Croix, of course this leads to a sex scene. However, when Carmen tries to be a nurse for Kyle Stone, the results are completely different and we know nursing isn't going to work for Carmen either.

Carmen then learns about Alex Sanders and how he tests men's fragrances. This leads to a sex scene where the fragrance is so powerful that Alex gets attacked by Holly Wellin and Renae Cruz. Carmen decides to try her luck as a fragrance tester, of course the results are disastrous. When you see the results, you also realize that Carmen isn't very vain and will go the distance for a laugh.

Carmen's last disaster job in Fired has her landing a part on a soap opera, this leads to a sex scene with Voodoo. Of course Carmen also gets fired from this job, but some of her goofs from the soap opera make the internet and she's such a hit that she gets her own reality show. Fired was released in February 2008, Carmen Goes South, in which Carmen plays the star of a reality show was released in March 2008. Even though the two movies don't have anything to do with each other (in Goes South, Carmen is a completely different character), in the world of porno in my head, they fit neatly together.

This is the third or fourth Carmen Hart movie that I have seen over the last few months and she has been great in all of them, I am quickly becoming a big fan. It was refreshing to see a porn comedy that wasn't a parody of a TV show (although, as readers of this blog know, I like a good sitcum), and while Fired isn't perfect, it's close enough for me to give it an A.

Fired starring Carmen Hart, Katie Morgan, Nikki Rhodes, Renae Cruz, TJ Cummings, Evan Stone, Randy Spears, Alex Sanders, Voodoo, Steven St Croix, Holly Wellin and directed by Jonathan Morgan.

ASHLYNN GOES TO COLLEGE

This movie had just barely enough plot to tie the sex scenes together. It starts with Ashlynn going to College (duh!) and calling her boyfriend (James Deen) back home, who we see already cheating on her. We're then introduced to Ashlynn's roommate (Celeste Star), a sort of Paris Hilton type and we get a sex scene flashback showing why she was sent off to school.

The next scene in Ashlynn Goes To College flashes us back to happier days with Ashlynn and James holding hands and skipping down a walkway before having sex outdoors on a blanket. In an odd bit of editing, the sex scene goes from bright daylight to complete darkness.

The next scene involves Ashlynn daydreaming about her professor (Steven St. Croix) having sex with another student (Alexis Love). This was the dullest sex scene in the movie, which was a surprise, since St. Croix usually can add a little something extra to make a scene interesting.

Ashlynn and Celeste go off for some clubbing, where the next sex scene takes place between Lee Stone with Regan Reese and Savanah Gold. The girls both have bad boob jobs and tattoos, so I am assuming that is why they were cast in these parts.

Ashlynn leaves and goes back out to Celeste's limo, which is driven by Tommy Gunn. She tells Tommy her problems and he comforts her and you guessed it...sex scene.

Celeste is taking Ashlynn to Martha's Vineyard on her private jet and she makes a stop so Ashlynn can visit James Deen in Oklahoma. Ashlynn catches James with another girl and storms off. The final scene shows the girls back in college and this final scene apes scenes we have seen in high school movies with the "Queen Bees" of the school walking together.

I realize that most of the discussion has been taken up with the sex scenes. That's because as I first stated, there isn't much plot to Ashlynn Goes To College. Yet, I didn't dislike the movie because of its lack of plot, maybe because it did include a few funny moments (most with James Deen), plus where else are you going to get to see Ashlynn and James holding hands and skipping. I grade this one a C+

Ashlynn Goes To College starring Lexi Belle, Ashlynn Brooke, Alexis Love, Celeste Star, Regan Reese, Sabrina Rose, Savanah Gold, Melanie Scott, James Deen, Tommy Gunn, Lee Stone, Steven St. Croix and directed by Andre Madness

BLUE ANGEL

What little plot there is in Blue Angel concerns a mobster, Steven St. Croix, getting killed and winding up in what I would guess is a sort of purgatory. He's made a guardian angel and is told he can earn a trip to Heaven or Hell, depending on how good or bad he does in his new job. He's teamed with Herschel Savage (who Steven St. Croix has whacked earlier...and that is whacked as in as killing, not whacked as in masturbating...Let's not get confused here). But, Stephen St. Croix makes a mistake and Asia Carrera is killed before her time and will have to spend what should have been her life (50 more years) in purgatory until her actual death date. This works good for the keeper of the records, since Asia is a computer whiz and can help him with the books. And also good for Stephen St. Croix, since Asia is now in purgatory with him.

After seeing Love at First Byte, which had a good plot (although a short plot) with lots of humor, I wanted to give a Simon Wolf Studio with Bud Lee directing another try, so I rented Blue Angel. You don't really get to the main plot until about 40 minutes into the movie OR if you skipped the first two sex scenes, about 3 minutes into the movie. This movie has six sex scenes of the modern day standard length of approximately 18-20 minutes. Since the movie is only 127 minutes in length, that leaves very little time for plot. Even though I was expecting a short plot after Love at First Byte, Blue Angel's plot wasn't entertaining enough and either needed to be fleshed out (yeah, I said flesh) or written a little better. The very last part of Blue Angel is two sex scenes, with the movie cutting back and forth between the two scenes. If these last scenes had been cut just a little bit, then there would have been some room for a decent plot. The movie ends abruptly, with the last scene setting up for a sequel. I had no interest in seeing the sequel, until I found out that Blue Angels: The Second Coming was directed by Steven St. Croix. So maybe the sequel in this case might be better than the original. I grade this one a C-

A few other thoughts on Blue Angel:

As in Love at First Byte, Evan Stone never wears clothes, so he does not get to play dress up (and in his other movies, Evan appears to love a costume). Is this some type of conspiracy with this Simon Wolf/Bud Lee.....no costumes for Evan?

Stephen St. Croix may not the best actor in porn, but he always commits fully to his character, and that is no exception in this movie. The opening scene where he's having sex with someone's girlfriend and talks to the boyfriend while doing so is a little goofy but a scene that only Stephen St. Croix would seem able to pull off.

Asia Carrera demonstrates once again that she is a great "sex actress".

Blue Angel starring: Aurora Snow, Asia Carrera, Steven St Croix, Nikita Denise, Hannah Harper, Monica Mayhem, Kate Frost, George Kaplan, Kimi Lixx, Don Fischer, Evan Stone, Herschel Savage, Chris Cannon, Joey Ray and directed by Bud Lee

Love At First Byte

The plot: Aurora Snow is trying to develop the perfect man on her computer with a program she got from Steven St. Croix. Meanwhile on the TV in the room there is a porno playing (which is actually the first sex scene).

Keri Windsor, one of Aurora's roommates is planning to go to the big game with Joel Lawrence; but an approaching thunderstorm gets the game delayed and Keri and Joel wind up in the bedroom. As an aside, when Joel Lawrence first appears in the movie, he is in a coat and tie and Mrs. X-Ray said he looked remarkably like Tim Geithner, our current Secretary of the Treasury and I would definitely agree. I don't think anyone will be doing a White House spoof that would require a Tim Geithner look-a-like, but if they did, Joel Lawrence would definitely be the man for the part.

Lightning strikes Aurora's computer and her creation comes out of the computer as Evan Stone. Asia Carrera, Aurora's other roommate, volunteers to try him out.

At this point, the plot lost its way a little bit, since we get a segment where no one is home but the cleaning girl, April, when Randy Spears arrives. It seems one of the girls wanted to hire a male stripper, so April gets to do the "auditioning".

Now back to the plot, it seems that Evan has gone flacid and Aurora calls her friend Steven St. Croix for help and he tells her to come on over. In the meantime, Steven is busy bringing a couple of sex dolls to life for his own pleasure.

We find out that Evan is not really a computer generated man but a being from another dimension and at the end of the movie Aurora gets to have sex with her "perfect" man.

One thing interesting about this movie is that Evan Stone doesn't get to wear any type of costume. I recently read somewhere that stated people went into porno for the money or for the sex, but Evan must have gone into porno for the costumes. And if you take note of his appearances in most of his movies, he generally has some type of costume, even if it is just a hat.

This is a movie that I shouldn't like, since there isn't really much of a plot. However, the short segments of plot are very well written with some great humorous lines. Plus, this movie contains something I usually don't focus on - The Sex Scenes. Most of the performers looked more involved in the sex than what I normally see in pornos. I would really like to grade this movie a B+, but since the plot was so short, I am grading it a solid B.

Love at First Byte starring Asia Carrera, Aurora Snow, Keri Windsor, Nikita Denise, Holly Hollywood, April, Mia Smiles, Evan Stone, Steven St. Croix, Joel Lawrence, Randy Spears and Chris Cannon and directed by Bud Lee.

PORNO PLOT SO SERIOUS IT'S FUNNY

IMPROPER CONDUCT: When the talented cellist is offered a prime spot in the pit, she leaps at the chance. But can she overlook the leader's controlling ways? As the frustrated conductor waves his baton harder and harder to make his point, can her love break through the block on his heart? Will they ultimately join to make incredible music together?

The acting is way above par for a porno. However, the story is so terrible and so deadly serious, that not too far into the movie, it just became funny to me. I don't think that I have ever seen a porno that tried to take itself this serious. Just think of some serious romantic cable TV movie....now add sex scenes.....now you have IMPROPER CONDUCT.

Stars: Devinn Lane, Asia Carrera, Jessica Drake, Aria, Bridgette Kerkove, Steven St. Croix, Scott Styles, Evan Stone and directed by Brad Armstrong

Porn Gets Close To Mainstream

PIRATES directed by JOONE. Starring: Jesse Jane, Carmen Luvana, Tegan Presley, Evan Stone, Tommy Gunn, Steven St. Croix, Kris Slater, Devon, Austyn Moore, Janine.

THE PLOT: In 1763, the Caribbean is awash in pirates. The worst is Stagnetti, backed by his bloodthirsty first mate, Serena. He wants the Scepter of Inca, which gives its owner great powers. To remove it from remote Calaveras Island, he needs the Dagger of Ataljuapa as well as the aid of a descendant of the family to whom the Scepter was entrusted. So, he kidnaps Manuel Valenzuela, honeymooning with the lovely Isabella. On Stagnetti's trail are pirate hunters, Captain Edward Reynolds and Jules, his commander. Edward's a bit clueless, but he does rescue Isabella. Once Stagnetti has the Dagger, the stage is set for the clash of good and evil.

Pirates is a good case for porn with a plot. One of the best sellers of the last few years, this illustrates the point that porn with a plot is of interest to a great many people. Probably the biggest surprise is that the movie had some special effects that are pretty darn good.

Pirates is not really a spoof of Pirates of the Caribbean, but actually another take on the same type of movie. As an interesting side note, some scenes were shot on a real life sailing ship, a St. Petersburg, Florida-based replica of the HMS Bounty. The owners of the ship were not aware of the true nature of the film as they were advised that the film being made was a "Disney-type" pirate film for families.

The first 80 minutes of Pirates has the story upfront and you get the feeling that the sex scenes are put in as obligatory to the fact that this is a porn movie. In the last part of the movie, the story starts to slip away and more sex scenes are inserted. I had the feeling that a certain number of scenes had to be included and now the director had to rush to get them all in. However, the plot remains coherent and continues to the end, which sets up for a sequel.

Pirates has great over the top hammy comic acting from Evan Stone. Tommy Gunn, who can act, (but always seems like he'd rather not in previous movies I have seen him in), does a great job; as does the great Steven St. Croix. Unfortunately on the female side, only Janine shows any acting chops and the rest of the female cast appears most of the time to be reciting their memorized lines.

So, if you're looking for a porn movie with lots of plot, action, comedy, and special effects, then check this one out. I don't think you'll be disappointed.