...And With That, the Sound of Thousands of Lesbian Hearts Shattering Could be Heard from Weho to Down Under.

Kelly Clarkson says she ain't gay, y'all.


Uh huh.

Sorry to break it to you kids, but as of today, one of two things are true: Either Kelly Clarkson REALLY ISN'T a lesbian, or she's going all *in-the-closet* Queen Latifah style on our asses and doesn't want to be even considered one, which is even "worse" news.

Today Kelly responded to the gay rumors on AOL. Here's some of what she had to say:

A large part of your fan base is gay, and there's a longstanding rumor that you are a lesbian. Is there any truth to that?

I get that all the time. People are like, “Are you secretly a lesbian? Because I’d really love it.” Lesbians tell it to me all the time. I’m like, “I’m glad it works for you and I wish I liked women like that because oftentimes men are very hard for me, but I happen to like boys.” I could never be a lesbian. I would never want to date [someone like] myself, ever. I’m a crazy person. I need some kind of stable, quiet man. I don’t really care if you’re black, white, yellow, gay, straight, crazy, whatever. As long as you’re cool and you like the music, and you’re coming out to have a good time at the shows, I don’t really care. I have everything I just said in my family, so I’m just used to being surrounded by that. I just don’t know any different.

Celebrity gossip blogger Perez Hilton seems especially concerned about your weight and sexuality. How do you handle such scrutiny?

Honestly, I don’t know what the hell I did to [Perez]. He’s very concerned about my sexuality and my weight, which I’m not. I learned at a very young age from my father: “Honey, you’re never gonna be able to control what people think about you or say about you; you might as well just stop worrying about it.” I learned on ‘Idol’ not to read any of it -- never. You’re either going to become one these people that you know have just totally lost perspective because everybody’s tooted their horn so much, or you’re gonna crawl in some hole and want to kill yourself because people are just so mean. I enjoy our conversation right now, but I won’t read what we do.

So there you have it, dykes folks. Well she's right about the crazy lesbians thing. But if that's the only reason she can give for not being able to be a lesbian, she's in for a surprise once I take her to her first Dinah. Cause nothin' erases concerns about trivial things like *stability* like watching 200 firm & tanned women instinctually form a nude conga line in the middle of the desert.

What do you think about Ms. Clarkson's answer?