The Character Named Milf Actually Did Porn? No Way!

A pervasive point of wonder and discussion when Neckties for Reptiles began was the new increased probability that the woman you were pining for on television has done porn. Equally, awesome is how we live in an age where it doesn't take a whole lot of effort to find and download the flick. Sometimes in a matter of minutes. This is especially true for the stars of VH1 CelebReality programming.

Didn't take long to find stuff on Frenchy or Brandy C from Rock of Love and Charm School.

The next logical step, for me was to compile a list of Reality Stars I want to see in porn. But then I stopped watching shitty television, made constructive use of my life, and forgot all about the silly things I obsessed over in 2009.

And out of the blue, on accident, I discover that Milf from Real Chance of Love has appeared in a few "sex movies" performing under the names Ahmo Hight and Amy Hite. To be fair, they're only softcore, but you wouldn't know it from the the blog I read it in. You'd think she was doing The World's Heaviest Gangbang. To the writers at Dyfuse.com, please chill the hell out. Most of us grew out of softcore when we were 15. That's not even including the generation, currently in their early 20s, who grew up with the Internet. That number is probably closer to 9.

So no hardcore from Milf but we get boobs, and I assume she's get's it on, rubbing style, with Anna Nicole Smith. I'll probably never know because I'm about as much in a rush to watch that as I am the latest Flavor of Love spinoff.

As I look at Milf again for the first time in years I realize I still feel a kind of way about her. A cuter mix of Vicky Vette and Dana Hayes still applies. If you're reading this, Milf, please consider doing some legitimate pornography. You will have loving fans, at the very head of which will be me. You are absolutely ripe for Milf/Cougar porn. Why waste your life in reality show hell? There's no dignity in it. This is the life for you.

Love,

Oruba

The DoppelGanger and Celebreality

I try. I really do. I try so hard to distance myself from Reality TV but -- some of you have seen this coming -- I find myself watching the newest season of Charm School. Granted, I'm still watching in the same 5 minutes chunks I afford to all of VH1's Celebreality lineup, but my tolerance is slowly, and sadly, building.

I've written about my not-at-all-difficult quests to find the pornwork of my favorite females of Celebreality. I've also written about Celebreality stars I want to see do porn.

And what do you know: two minutes into Charm School Ithought I struck gold again. Brittanya, who, along with being conspicuously absent from the cast listing on the show's website, and seemed to have evaded my notice during Rock Bus of Love, looked like one of my favorite regulars from Naughty America.

Or at least I thought. But bit of googling turned up the fact that Audrey Bitoni and Brittanya O'Campo are two different people. Had not one of them been heavily tattooed, I would have had much more trouble making that asertation. They look remarkably similar.

There is actually a porn star on the show, Brittaney Starr, but I've never been into her.

I Love Love Love Anna

This is Anna Vocino. She plays the lovely, but long-suffering Anna on VH1's pee-yr-pants funny Free Radio. I don't particularly want to see her in porn. I just want to see more of her. She makes me feel all tingly inside. Just thought I should share.

List of Reality TV Stars I Want to See in Porn

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My Prayers Have Been Answered

Didn't I say we live in a magical age? Not too long ago I was on here wishing that Brandi C of VH1 reality TV fame had done porn. And lo and behold! She performed under the name Brittany Burke and did a few scenes for various reality porn sites (I see continuity is her strong suit). Surprisingly unlike, well, everyone else, she ventured into porn after appearing on reality television According to her Myspace blog, it was a one time thing for kicks and now it's behind her. Huh.

I'm aware that I might the last guy on the internet to see her naked. In my defense, I didn't even know who this girl was till a month ago. Damn you, TV for sucking me back in.

The crazy thing about my quest to see Ms. C in some hardcore action is that even though her filmography is as limited as Angelique's, I didn't have to put in anywhere near the effort. By the end the day I'd seen her scenes with In the VIP, Baby Got Boobs, Boobs & Bottoms, and Wife Swap and I was happy, for a while. But alas I can never stay content and now I'm trying to find stuff with her hair pink. Sigh.

Now, if I could only find a gang bang with Ashleigh Banfield, then all of my prayers would truly be answered.

It Never Ends!

An additional upside to living in a world where the women on TV are more and more likely to be in porn is that now that I've seen someone like Angelique—AKA Frenchie—fuck and suck, I have no need to see her on crappy television. I would've been free to live life free of Charm School if I didn't have the hots for Brandi C. I sense a pink hair obsession rearing its ugly head. I saw a clip on The Soup of her spitting in Destiny's face. And because years of porn have warped my mind, I found that unbelievable hot. Now I'm praying she's done gonzo. I need help.

A Magical Age Indeed!

We live in an age, a magical age if you ask me, where due to the confluence of several different trends, forces, machinations, what have you, it's possible see a woman on television, get this feeling that she's done porn, head to your computer, and within minutes find pictures of that same woman gobbling cock. I mean, think about that. When I was 13, hell, when I was 21, I could only dream that kind of ability.

The specific instance I draw involves reality TV and a ditzy, French stripper with entirely too much plastic surgery. Did you guess Angelique? Because if you did you might be on the same boat as me.

I was flipping through channels one day and happened upon the mile-long train wreck that is VH1's Rock of Love: Charm School. As much as I hate reality TV, I did like the Surreal Life for about a season or two until VH1 became the 24 hour Flavor Flav Minstrel Network. I was for a while miles away from anything resembling a reality show and couldn't have been happier. But I have a weakness, my friends. You place a pretty woman onscreen, and I will watch. Doesn't matter who she is. She could be a silicone bimbo with the personality and IQ of a cardboard box who sincerely thought that the old bald guy from that has-been hair band was going to choose her and stay with her forever. She could be the laughably inarticulate mouthpiece of the Republican Party. If you catch me off guard with a pretty chick, I will watch. And that's exactly what happened with Charm School.

That show is filled with eye candy. Trashy eye candy, I know, don't judge me. And yes, Angelique caught my eye right away. In fact if she wasn't on the show I probably wouldn't have watched for more than a few minutes. I stuck around because I couldn't get enough of her. Angelique, if you noticed and know me by now is the very shining example of what Ugly Girl Porn is. To make it interesting, she sort of resembles in a grotesque, slutty way, a girl I've dated (this is quite bizarre indeed as the girl in question is quite pretty. The type of girl you bring home to mother). And at first sight, something like PornDar™ went off in my head. I just knew: This girl has done hardcore!

And as soon as the show was over. I went online. Bingo! Took all of five minutes to find out her filmography. Well, it's right there on her website. Just take the time to appreciate that. Imagine in 1995, you're watching the Real World and you're like “Goddamn that Pam is hot. I kind of want to see her naked.” And you went to your computer and on her website there's a list of movies you can purchase where you get to see a man cum on her face. That was unimaginable then. Hell it was unimaginable in 2001. If it happen a few years ago, it would have been big news. Remember that chick who got boot from American Idol because she had done some nude photography some years before? Now, news like that doesn't even make a blip. This is the world we live in. Make of it what you will.

Finding information and naked pictures of Angelique was stupidly simple. It took a bit more effort to score an entire movie. She hadn't done that many scenes (I think it's under five), so they were hard to come by. It was a testament of how much of a hold Ugly Girl Porn and the ghosts of ex-girlfriends have on me, that I was more than willing to spend several hours in front of the computer trying and trying. At the end of the day though I had three flicks, an alarming lack of fluids, and a bit of shame for doing what I did as many times as I did it for who I did it to.