Nurse Monique starring Monique Alexander, Jenna Presley, Chris Cannon, Nick Manning, Lexi Love, Justin Magnum, Katarina Kat and directed by Chuck Lords (Paul Thomas)
The Plot: Monique is a small town girl who fantasizes about porn star Dr. Dick (Nick Manning). Her drug dealing husband (Chris Cannon) hates it when Monique watches Dr. Dick movies. When Monique witnesses her husband being killed she flips out and takes off for "Porno Land" in order to find Dr. Dick....but her husband's killers are right behind her.
: Nurse Monique is a movie that is better than it has a right to be. There are several things which are just plain bad, but there's just enough right with the movie to make it an enjoyable viewing. Most of the bad elements center around occurrences which only happen in the world of porn.
Probably, the worst problem with Nurse Monique is some/most of the sex scenes are "forced" into the plot (Hey, I know it's porn, but some logic still needs to apply). The stupidest one being when Chris Cannon has been kidnapped by a pair of mobster enforcers (Katarina Kat and Justin Magnum). Cannon takes them back to his house where he waits patiently in the bedroom while Katarina and Justin have sex in the living room. Katarina then comes into the bedroom, has sex with him and then kills him by ??? ......I won't spoil that part of the plot. Speaking of Katarina Kat her accent changes from scene to scene and sometimes within the same scene. Last, but certainly not the least thing that is wrong with Nurse Monique, is when the "fourth wall" is broken at the end of the film. It's out of place and nowhere near as clever as the director probably thought it was....then again this ain't Shakespeare we're dealing with here.
Moving on to the good elements in Nurse Monique: Justin Magnum as one of the kidnappers does an accent which makes him sound like Borat. It was such a stupid choice that it was funny to me. Next, Paul Thomas did something in Nurse Monique that I haven't seen in modern XXX features - During a fairly long driving sequence, with Monique on her way to "Porno Land", an original song played in the background. This was a nice nod to the Golden Age of Porn, with which the director Paul Thomas is very familiar. One final note on what elevated Nurse Monique for me, was Monique Alexander herself. Not only is Monique able to actually act, but she always appears to really be enjoying her sex scenes, an oddity in most XXX features. I'm not really recommending Nurse Monique to anyone, but for me, the good elements outweighed the bad and I'm rating the movie a C+
Tattle Tale starring Jessica Drake, Rocco Reed, Kirsten Price, Marcus London, Monique Alexander, Randy Spears, Georgia Jones, Dylan Ryder and directed by Francois Clousot
The Plot: Rocco Reed is a reporter for a gossip magazine. He shows Jessica Drake evidence of her father being involved in a ponzi scheme. If she doesn't help him get the dirt on her socialite friends, he'll run it in the magazine. Reluctantly Jessica agrees, but later finds out Reed was mainly interested in saving his magazine from going out of business (I was never clear why this plot point was added late in the movie, since it really didn't add much to the story). There's a small twist at the end of Tattle Tale, but I won't spoil it by revealing it here.
: Tattle Tale had a lot of trouble with its plot. Although the plot was simple, half the time the movie would jump to a scene leaving the viewer left to fill in how we got to that part of the story. I could blame this on either bad editing or a weak storyline. Considering the big reveal of Rocco wanting to save his paper came so late in the movie, I'm guessing the plot wasn't very well thought.
The other weakness of Tattle Tale was the acting. Only Kirsten Price can be commended for her acting. I have seen every actor in this movie previously (except for Georgia Jones) and I know they are more capable than the performances they gave in Tattle Tale.
Francois Clousot's camera work was great as usual and he briefly was able to make the camera "love" Monique Alexander's body. Clousot just didn't sustain it through Monique's entire sex scene as he did with Kirsten Price in the first sex scene in Lies. Speaking of sex scenes, the ones in Tattle Tale ran around 10-15 minutes allowing the movie to flow at a more even pace.
Tattle Tale wound up being a slight disappointment, since with all talent involved - both stars and director - I was expecting much more. Taking into consideration the weak plot and acting I can only give Tattle Tale a C.
Big Tits In Sports – Monique Alexander in Pussy on the Green
Charles is a golf instructor who’s taken Monique Alexander on as his student. He gives her a private lesson at home where he informs her that while her technique is strong, she’s easily distracted when playing the game. Monique decides to turn the tables on Charles and provides him with a little distraction of her own. Namely, by showing off her cans. So Charles whips out his 3-iron and prepares to sink a hole-in-one!
Taxi - A Hardcore Parody starring Eva Angelina, Anthony Rosano, Jenny Hendrix, Kirsten Price, Krissy Lynn, Monique Alexander, Evan Stone, Ron Jeremy and directed by Anton Slayer
The Plot: Almost non-existent, the closest thing to a plot is Alex's ex-wife is coming to see him. The movie primarily relies on the audience being familiar with the characters from the original TV show.
: While I have definitely seen worse parodies, Taxi was still far from the best. I didn't expect much, since this was from Anton Slayer (Gilligan's Island, Dukes of Hazzard) and I didn't get much, so I can't say I was very disappointed. Putting some bad wigs on a couple of actors and writing a script with a few funny lines, then wrapping a very slight plot around some long drawn out sex scenes doesn't even get your movie up to the average standard set by today's modern XXX parodies.
There are two saving graces to Taxi - A Hardcore Parody, one is Anthony Rosano as Tony Banta. He actually "gets" his character and impressed me with his acting ability. I think every feature XXX movie I have seen Anthony in has led me to believe he's one of the few adult actors who could easily cross over to mainstream films.
The other highlight of Taxi - A Hardcore Parody, much to my chagrin (since this blog is concerned with plots), is the sex scene between Rosano and Monique Alexander. Not only did this scene retain my interest throughout its 18+ minutes, but Monique had one of the best porno lines I've heard in a long time (although, I'm pretty sure it wasn't scripted) when, about three-quarters of the way into the scene, she states " Have Your Way With Me, I'm Cock Drunk".
Considering all of the above - one good actor, one good sex performance, a few laughs, and adding a point for Kirsten Price being a pretty good ringer for Elaine, I going to give Taxi - A Hardcore Parody a C-
When making these XXX parodies, there are a couple of things that help make the movie good or bad: the performers should have some resemblance to the actors they are portraying and the sets should look authentic. Unfortunately, Not Really Dukes of Hazzard (DOH) fails in both aspects.
The first scene has Bo (Bill Bailey, whose wig I think must have been attached to his hat) luring Alexis Texas' father (James Bartholet) away from the house so Luke can have sex with her. With his dark wig, Anthony Rosano playing Luke looks like Andy Samberg from Saturday Night Live, a turn-off in itself. This results in a 25 minute sex scene opening the movie, which in my opinion, is never a good idea with these XXX parodies. Even though Alexis keeps the scene interesting and actually remembers one time to stay in character and call Anthony "Luke". I'd already lost a lot of interest in the movie at this point. After they both get dressed, we hear the horn sound from the General Lee and Luke dashes out and hops in the car with Bo and we FINALLY arrive at the title sequence with James Bartholet doing the voice over as Waylon Jennings did in the original version. Bartholet is usually pretty reliable as a non sex actor, but he makes no effort to convince us that we are hearing Jennings voice. Hell, they probably could have gotten Shooter to do it if they had asked, since he's something of a wild child anyway.
The title includes a mild chase scene, which is looped to make it appear longer than it really was. At least we get to see one character that actually looked their part - The General Lee! I should note here that both Bill Bailey and Anthony Rosano have trouble during the movie either getting in or out of the welded shut doors of The General Lee, further taking away from any credence that you are watching The Dukes of Hazzard. Either a little practice OR the director doing re-shoots OR some closer editing could have easily solved this problem. But, when you're just cranking one of these parodies out (no pun intended), details seem to fall by the wayside.
Following the titles we get dialogue and a scene that are out of order: Enos (Dane Cross) reports that he has pulled over a woman driver, then we switch to the scene where NOW Enos is pulling over the driver (once again, sloppy film making or editing). Of course it's Daisy Duke (Ryder Skye), who actually sort of looks like Cathrine Bach - in the long shots - IF YOU SQUINT!! Needless to say, we're in for another 25 minute sex scene. Since there were lots of bad wigs in DOH, I can't point out anyone who got the worst one; however, Dane Cross was certainly given the worst costume, everything from his hat, to his badge, to his gun looked cheap and wrong, even his clothes didn't fit. As an added bonus, the combination of Dane Cross and Ryder Skye managed to produce one of the dullest sex scenes I have seen in a long time.
Daisy gets fired because having sex with Enos (to prevent a ticket) made her late for work again. But luckily! she can now enter the wet t-shirt contest Boss Hogg is putting on. Of course, since this is Boss Hogg, he has rigged the contest and has fixed it for Monique Alexander to win. We then cut to a sex scene already in progress between Monique and Cooter (Mark Wood, who looks like he chould be a brother of Dave and Phil Alvin from The Blasters). I haven't seen Monique in a while, but it appears she has been getting a lot of nice colorful tattoos since I last caught up with her. It was pretty obvious that the director, Anton Slayer, found Mark Wood lacking in the looks department, since his head rarely appears in the sex scene (that's the head on his shoulders I'm talking about). While Monique knows how to have a sex scene and has a great natural body, I still had to fast forward through another LONG scene.
I'm gonna sum up the rest of the movie, since even writing about DOH is boring me. Bo picks up Shawna Lenee, who has come into town for the contest...sex scene. Uncle Jesse gets arrested for making moonshine (with a milk can and a few pieces of pipe.....my award for worse moonshine still EVER!). Daisy has to distract Monique's father so Monique can be in the contest...sex scene...Daisy wins..Shawna is Cooter's wife...Uncle Jesse is freed from jail with funds Daisy won from the wet t-shirt contest.
There wasn't one actor in this movie that looked their part....Uncle Jesse (Carl Fredrick Coughlan) must have been cast because he had a gray beard and maybe he owned his own overalls! Rosco (Ray Marlay) looked too old for the part AND if they hadn't called him Roscoe, I don't think I would even have known who he was portraying. Boss Hogg (Allen Moffat) had a white suit and was fairly large, but couldn't act to save his life. The sets: It appears that several of the scenes took place at the same cabin, just different rooms or different locations on the outside of the cabin. The outdoor scenes could have been filmed anywhere and I suspect that some were in the cabin's driveway. Boss' place was super cheap looking (a stage and some folding chairs) and even Cooter's garage appeared to be just a large carport!
This was Vouyer Media's first foray into the world of porn spoofs. I was hoping that it would be their last, BUT, I see they have already done a parody of Taxi with Anton Slayer helming that project also. I had seen two Anton Slayer movies previously: This Ain't The Munsters (excellent) and This Ain't Gilligan's Island (terrible) giving him a 50 per cent batting average with me. Since I'm rating this one a D, Anton now rates 33 1/3 percent with me. I'm DEFINITELY not looking forward to his Taxi parody. I guess you say, "Mr. X-Ray, why not just don't watch it"......because I'M WEAK WILLED or WEAK MINDED, take your pick, when it comes to these porn parodies; I just can't help myself!!!
Not Really The Dukes of Hazzard starring Alexis Texas, Anthony Rosano, Monique Alexander, Shawna Lenee, Dane Cross, Ryder Skye, Mark Wood and directed by Anton Slayer
I had decided that among all of the sitcum directors, Lee Roy Myers movies were never up to the level of Will Ryder, or for that matter, even Axel Braun movies. Then along comes Cheers A XXX Parody and by gosh by golly, Lee Roy has got his act together. Sure the sex scenes are way too long, most of the actors don't stay in character during their scenes and Lee Roy does one very distracting thing when directing his sex scenes.....at the end of each sex scene, he has the actress play to the camera....BAD BAD LEE ROY (and you're not even Brown).
Besides the sets and the costumes being excellent, what really stands out about the movie is the writing, also credited to Lee Roy Myers. The script of this sitcum could have been a regular Cheers script, except the majority of this dialog is about sex. As I have mentioned in some of my other reviews, it seems every sitcum has one character in a terrible wig. In Cheers A XXX Parody, we get two bad wigs, one on Otto Bauer as Fraiser and one on J Walker as Norm.
The plot revolves around Sam (Joel Lawrence) trying to convince Diane (Monique Alexander) that he's a changed man, in hopes that he can win her over. As Sam divests the things that he believes are keeping Diane from liking him, the movie is able to have sex scenes that can be included logically within the plot.
First up, Fraiser (Otto Bauer) buys Sam's Corvette. When he gets home and tells Lillith (Alexis Texas), Lillith sees Fraiser in a different light and they hit the bedroom. Selling his Corvette doesn't impress Diane, so Sam gives his cologne to Cliff (Evan Stone) and Cliff's luck changes with the ladies and he hits it off with one of the customers in the bar (Katie St. Ives). Giving away the cologne also didn't impress Diane, so Sam gives his hair products to Carla (Anabelle Lee), this of course, results in the next sex scene in the movie between Carla and another customer in the bar (Amber Swift).
Finally, just like a scene would play in the TV version of Cheers, Sam and Diane get really mad at each other, but their ire turns to lust and of course this results in a sex scene. Sam is so happy that he finally has Diane that he gives his little black book to Woody (Mr Pete). Using Sam's little black book, Woody makes a blind date. His blind date doesn't show up and Woody thinks her friend (Sara Stone) has come in her place. This results in a small surprise at the end of the movie and also leaves the stage open for a sequel. IF the sequel could come anywhere near matching this movie, I would definitely want to see it.
It was odd, to me, seeing Mr. Pete acting. I have only seen him previously in scenes where Mr. Pete was only required to have minimal dialog. He does an excellent job as Woody. It reminded me that some years back I would only see Tommy Gunn in scenes that required very little acting. Tommy Gunn has turned out to be a pretty decent actor and here's hoping since he was so good as Woody, that Mr. Pete will continue with more actual acting in XXX movies.
It's hard to pick any one actor in Cheers XXX who was the best, since everyone was good in their parts. Evan Stone, as usual in these sitcums, really gets into his part. Evan must really be a big fan of the reruns on TV Land. If Lee Roy could have gotten the actors to stay in character during their sex scenes and NOT had the females play to the camera at the end of their sex scenes, I could have easily rated this one an A, as it is, it still richly deserves a B+
Cheers: A XXX Parody starring Alexis Texas, Sara Stone, Monique Alexander, Annabelle Lee, Suzanne Kelly, Katie St Ives, Amber Swift, Xena Jackson, Otto Bauer, Paul, Chris Blitz, Guy Coolsburg, Matt Jean, J Walker, Evan Stone, Joel Lawrence, Mr Pete and directed by Lee Roy Meyers.
: Nurse Monique is a movie that is better than it has a right to be. There are several things which are just plain bad, but there's just enough right with the movie to make it an enjoyable viewing. Most of the bad elements center around occurrences which only happen in the world of porn.
