Two girls are talking.
The first one says, "I just read that it's against the law to go topless in the New York subways."
Her friend says, "Thank God. It's bad enough when you catch your scarf in those doors."
hiya...it's sunny & warm & I got laid in December. Ahh, what a great world.
Oglio Records & I just created a new Facebook page ... jackiethejokemanmartling ... to coincide with the release of my new Oglio CD, snart ... please sign up. Lots of jokes & stories & giveaways...snart is another 78 minutes of filthy jokes, & comes with an accompanying DVD of "Stump The Joke Man" footage from Rascals, in West Orange, New Jersey, shot in the late 80's...snart will be released on 4/20...hmmm...
Last week I sat in with Sam Phillips & her gang on The Single Life on www.hottalkla.com ... it was a wild show. Please check it out.
I'm hosting The 2010 Hoboken International Film Festival. The kick-off keg party (click for ticket info) will be at 4pm on June 4th, at Cedar Lane Cinemas, Teaneck, New Jersey. "An Affirmative Act," by Ken Del Vecchio, is the opening night movie.
We love you for tuning in to Jackie's Joke Hunt on Sirius Howard 101. Please call in, 1-888-783-7610. Our next show, at 7pm EST next Tuesday, April 6th, is Jackie's Joke Hunt 169, watta wagina.
All info is on www.jokeland.com. I hope to see you very soon. All of you. You can always e-mail me direct ... jokeland@aol.com
j.
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this Friday & Saturday, April 1-2nd
The Sweet Basil Comedy Club
@ The Sweet Basil Restaurant
1012 Route 9
Queensbury NY 12803
box office (518) 792-5233
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Friday, April 23rd, 7:30 pm
The Adventures Of Jackie Martling
The Dix Hills Performing Arts Center
Five Towns College
305 North Service Road
Dix Hills NY 11746
Box Office (631) 656-2148
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Saturday, May 8th, 8pm
Jackie & the legendary Billy West
"Dirty Voices"
The Record Collector Store
358 Farnsworth Ave.
Bordentown NJ 08505
box office (609) 324-0880
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Friedman goes into a whorehouse and says, "I want a girl with crabs."
The madame says, "Get the hell out of here, none of my girls has crabs."
After he leaves, Jena says, "Business is so slow, I'm going to go yell to that guy to come back. I'll tell him I have crabs."
She goes to the door and yells, "Come on back, pal. I've got crabs. I'll do you."
They go up and get it on, and when they're done, she feels a little bad, so she says, "I have to tell you something. I don't have crabs."
Friedman says, "Yeah, you do."
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Sabean's watching his first kid being born. The doctor lifts the baby by the feet and spanks him.
Sabean says, "Hit him again. He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place."
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DePace is smooching with his sweetheart when he puts his hand under her skirt.
She says, "Please don't. My mother made me promise to never let a man put his hand under my skirt. But if you put your hand down my back, it's the second hole you come to."
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What do you get when you cross a man and a porcupine?
I don't know, but boy, does my dick hurt.
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A minister, a priest, and a rabbi go into the jungle to do missionary work, and they're given a jeep to get around in.
Before they get in, the minister says, "Bless this jeep..."
The priest sprinkles on some Holy Water..
And the rabbi and cuts six inches off the tailpipe.
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An old Italian guy lives on the outskirts of a small town in Italy, and he goes to church for confession.
When the priest slides open the panel in the confessional, the old guy says, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest says, "That was a wonderful thing you did. You don't have to confess that."
The old guy says, "There's more, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. Oral favors. Several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sunday."
The priest says, "That was a long time ago. And by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. And the good Lord knows that two people under those special circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
The old guy says, "Thank you, Father. That's a very big load off my mind. I do have one more question."
The priest says, "And what is that?"
The old guy says, "Do I have to tell her the war's over?"
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This is The JokeLand E-Mail List.
If you're not supposed to be on this train, please disembark & get off now.
Please tell anybody who wants to get on to e-mail me, jokeland@aol.com ...
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for the kids:
What do baseball players wear in the winter?
Catcher's mittens.
Why don't elephants pick their nose?
They wouldn't know where to hide a 30-pound booger.
Did you hear about the kid who was built upside down?
His nose runs and his feet smell.
You know why farts smell?
So you can even enjoy them with headphones on.
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What's the perfect Jewish husband?
Rich, anorexic, and impotent.
That way the wife doesn't have to work, cook, or fuck.
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Raniolo's on the road and doesn't realize he's gone into a bar full of transvestites. He starts talking to a good-looking...ahem...woman...and they really hit it off. They have a few drinks and then they leave the bar and climb into the back seat of his car.
After a few minutes, he says, "Are you pregnant?"
She says, Umm...um, yes. Yes, I am."
Raniolo says, "I thought so. The kid's arm is hanging out."
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McGillicuddy's in the confessional, and he says, "Father, I feel very guilty. Many times, while I'm making love to my wife, I wonder what it'd be like to have sex with a nun."
The priest says, "Don't be ashamed, McGillicuddy. Sometimes when I'm porking a nun, I wonder what it'd be like to fuck your wife."
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Two girls are talking.
The first one says, "I'm going to ask my doctor how many calories there are in sperm."
Her friend says, "Why? If you're swallowing that much, nobody's gonna give a shit if you're a little chubby."
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One of the workers at the brewery falls in a huge vat of beer and drowns.
At the funeral, his wife is crying, "Oh, Stash, Stash, you never had a chance."
His foreman says, "What do you mean, `never had a chance'? He got out twice to piss."
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A married lady says to her neighbor, "The Gay Pride Parade is today."
The other married lady says, "We suck cock and take it in the ass. Why doesn't anybody ever throw us a parade?"
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Schmidlap wants to marry an innocent girl, so he moves to Des Moines and starts dating a girl in the church choir. Soon they get engaged, and go to New York City on their honeymoon. The first night they're sitting in the hotel lobby when unescorted women start parading past them.
His bride says, "Why are those women all dressed up but they're alone?"
Schmidlap says, "They're fast women."
She says, "What's that mean?"
Schmidlap says, "They get paid hundreds of dollars for having sex with men."
She says, "You're shitting me. The fucking priest only gave us apples."
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Why'd the Polish skin diver drown?
His snorkle didn't open.
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Two guys are drinking when the first guy leans over and starts stroking the other guy's beard.
He says, "Your face feels just like my wife's pussy."
The other guy strokes his beard and says, "You're right."
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A big fat Polish woman's pushed into a gas station in her new BMW.
The mechanic says, "What's the matter?
She says, "It just conked out."
After he we works on it a few minutes, it's purring like a kitten.
She says, "What was the matter?"
He says, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She says, "How often do I have to do that?"
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Confucius say: "Girl who sit on jockey's lap get hot tip."
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We love you for tuning in to
Jackie's Joke Hunt on Sirius channel Howard 101,
calling in, 1-888-783-7610, & helping to spread the word...
our next show, this Tuesday, April 6th,
is Jackie's Joke Hunt 169, watta wagina ...
Please call Jackie & Ian on the air with your jokes & comments at
1-888-stern 101 ... 1-888-783-7610 ... please e-mail us at: jokeland@aol.com
on the Internet at www.sirius.com
airs live Tuesdays at 7-8 p.m. Eastern
repeats Thursday at midnight Eastern, Sundays 6 a.m. Eastern
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always great jokes! you owe me!
It's finally here! The Jackie Button is now for sale in the Apple App Store!
68 Jackie noises & 68 great PG jokes...only 99 cents!
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Hamell's wife's been in a coma for ten years. For ten years, she's never spoken or moved at all. Then one day a nurse is giving her a sponge bath, and as the sponge rubs across the wife's twat, she moans. The nurse gets the doctor, the doctor tries it, and she moans again. So the doctor calls Hamell to the hospital.
The doctor says, "Mr. Hamell, we have a breakthrough. I think a little oral sex might snap her out of it. You go into her room, and we'll monitor her from out here in the hall."
Hamell goes into his wife's room, and the doctor and the nurse watch her heart monitor go "bleep...bleep"...and then die out. She flatlines, completely flatlines. They run into the room as Hamell's pulling up his pants.
The doctor says, "What happened?"
Hamell says, "I think she choked to death."
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www.jokeland.com
for information on Jackie's shows, you can always "Use Your Finger!"
thirty years of free jokes!
and dial (516) 922-WINE ...(516) 922-9463
not a pay service, just a local call...
*************
thanks,
JokeLand Inc.
Box 58
Bayville, NY 11709
USA
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