Jackie the Jokeman:
A smile & greetings from wherever I am...
Whee. My guest spot on the season finale of "Leverage," the great caper show starring Timothy Hutton, airs on TNT on February 17th at 10 p.m. EST.
I'll be on The Howard Stern Show Wednesday morning, February 10th, at 8:30 a.m. ... on Sirius-XM Howard 100.
My new Oglio CD, snart, 78 minutes of filthy jokes, & an accompanying DVD of "Stump The Joke Man" from the late 80's, will be released on 4/20. A date which may mean something to somebody.
After three consecutive acting roles as Henry "Dutch" Holland & good reviews for my parts in Venus & Vegas, The Aristocrats & Leverage, & currently An Affirmative Act, I've been named The Official Host of The Hoboken International Film Festival for 2010. "An Affirmative Act," by Ken Del Vecchio, is the opening night movie. Wheee.
We love you for tuning in to Jackie's Joke Hunt on Sirius Howard 101. Please call in, 1-888-783-7610. Our next show, at 7pm EST Tuesday, February 2nd, is Jackie's Joke Hunt 160, the pun tunt.
I've got shows coming up in New Jersey, two great places. I hope to see you. All of you. Please drop me a line, send me a joke, do something... jokeland@aol.com
j.
************
A guy in a mask goes into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter, and says, "Open the safe."
She says, "This isn't a real bank, it's a sperm bank."
He says, "Open the safe or I'll shoot."
She opens the safe, and he says, "Take out one of those bottles and drink it."
She opens the bottle and drinks it. The guy takes off his mask it's her husband.
He says, "See? It's not so bad, is it?"
************
Saturday, February 20th, 8pm
Uncle Vinnie's Comedy Club at The Lane Theater
168 New Dorp Lane
Staten Island NY 10306
box office (718) 667-3500
************
A vet has a bad day, but when he gets home, his wife is waiting for him with a drink and dinner, and then takes him to bed.
At 2:00 in the morning, the phone rings, and an old lady says, "Is this the vet?"
He says, "Yeah. Is this an emergency?"
The old lady says, "Yes, it is. There's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside mating, and they're making such a terrible racket and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?"
He says, "Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone."
She says, "Will that stop them?"
The vet says, "It should. It stopped me."
************
Hartke gets back from a trip with the guys.
His wife says, "How was the fishing?"
He says, "Great. By the way, you forgot to pack my shaving cream and my deodorant."
She says, "No, I didn't. They were in your tackle box."
*************
A guy goes to walk into a club, and the doorman says, "Sorry, but you have to have a tie. Any kind of tie. Necktie, bolo tie, whatever."
The guy goes back out to his car, and all he has is a pair of jumper cables. He ties them in a bow around his neck, goes back up to the door of the club, and says, "Is this okay?"
The doorman says, "Yeah, go ahead in, but don't start anything."
*************
The Polish cowboy, Gene Autrowski, is in the saloon getting drunk, so his friends decide to play a trick on him. They turn his horse around, and then they turn his saddle around, so he won't know.
The next morning, his wife kicks him, and says, "Time to get up, Autrowski. Time to get up and get out on the trail."
He says, "I can't get up. I'm beat, I'm whipped, I'm bushed."
She says, "Get up, you lazy bum. You've been drunk for six weeks. Get up and get out on the trail."
He says, "I can't get up. I'm beat, I'm whipped, I'm bushed. Last night was different. Some son-of-a-bitch cut my horse's head off. I had to lead him home with my finger in his windpipe."
*************
Remember, the best way to avoid having an alcohol-related accident
is to get so fucked up you can't find your car.
*************
A guy says, "Doc, you gotta cure me of smoking. I'm smoking ten cigars a day."
The doctor says, "That's easy. Before you smoke a cigar, stick it far up your ass."
Two weeks later, the guy walks back into the doctor's office.
The doctor says, "Did it cure you of smoking?"
The guy says, "Yeah. Now all you have to do is cure me of sticking cigars far up my ass."
*************
A golfer steps up to the first tee and slices a brand new ball way off to the right. Then he hooks two new balls way over to the left, across the road and into the woods. Then he tops the ball and it dribbles about twenty feet.
He turns to his caddy and says, "If I don't hit the ball well on my next shot, I'm going to the lake over there and drowning myself."
The caddy says, "No, you're not."
The guy says, "What do you mean, No I'm not?"
The caddy says, "I don't think you can keep your head down that long."
*************
A guy's sitting at the bar jerking off.
The bartender says, "Look, Mac, you've got to get out of here."
The drunk says, "Are you kiddin'? I can't leave. I can't walk. I'm so drunk, I don't even know who I'm fuckin'."
*************
A guy's tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth when his wife asks him a question. As he turns to answer, the peanut falls into his ear. He tries to dig it out, but that only pushes it in deeper, so they decide to go to the hospital. As they're about to leave, their daughter comes in with her date.
After they explain, the daughter's date says, "I can get the peanut out."
He shoves two fingers into the father's nose, and says, "Blow hard."
The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear.
The mother turns to the father and says, "Isn't he smart? I wonder what he plans to be."
The father says, "From the smell of his fingers, I'd say our son-in-law."
*************
There are two Indian squaws. First make-um whoopee on elk skin, and have-um boy. Second make-um whoopee on Buffalo skin, her too have-um boy. Third squaw make-um whoopee on hippopotamus skin and have-um twins. Thus prove-um the son of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
***************
Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?
It doesn't need cleaning.
***************
A priest and a rabbi are having lunch when the priest offers the rabbi a bite of his ham sandwich.
The rabbi says, "No thanks. We don't eat ham. How is it?"
The priest says, "You should try it. It's really good."
The rabbi says, "You guys don't have sex, do you?"
The priest says, "No, we don't. How is it?"
The priest says, "You should try it. It beats the fuck out of a ham sandwich."
*****
This is The JokeLand E-Mail List.
If you're not supposed to be on this train, please disembark & get off now.
Please tell anybody who wants to get on to e-mail me, jokeland@aol.com ...
*************
for the kids:
What's a frog's favorite winter sport?
Ice hoppy.
What color is a happy cat?
Purrrple.
Why did the cow cross the road?
To go to the moooooovies.
Knock, knock... who's there?
Dishes... dishes who?
Dishes a very bad joke.
***************
Why are camels called the ships of the desert?
Because they're filled with Arab semen.
***************
Two drunks are at the bar.
The first guy says, "Let's have one more drink and then go find some broads."
The other guy says, "Nah, I've got more than I can handle at home."
The first guy says, "Then let's have one more drink and go to your place."
***************
God's complaining about being exhausted, and St. Peter says, "Why don't you take a little vacation? Go down to Earth for a while."
God says, "Oh, no, no Earth for me. I went down there about two thousand years ago and banged some Jewish broad and they're still talking about it."
***************
What would you call a musician who doesn't have a girlfriend?
Homeless.
***************
Three gay guys are talking at a wake.
The first guy says, "After he's cremated, I'd like to toss his ashes off a boat, because we had such fun sailing."
The second guy says, "I'd like to sprinkle his ashes on my garden, because he so loved when I brought him flowers."
The third guy says, "I'd like to put his ashes on some hot chile so he could tear my asshole apart one last time."
***************
A cop pulls a guy over and says, "Have you been drinking?"
The guy says, "Why? Is there a big fat pig sitting next to me?"
***************
Sabean goes to see a psychiatrist.
He says, "Doc, I think I'm hung up on women's breasts."
The psychiatrist says, "Well, I'll give you a quick word-association test, and we'll determine whether or not you're hung up on women's breasts. You say the first thing that comes into your mind after I say something."
Sabean says, "All right."
The doctor says, "Egg."
Sabean says, "Boobs."
The doctor says, "Orange."
Sabean says, "Hooters."
The doctor says, "Grapefruit."
Sabean says, "Jugs."
The doctor says, "Windshield wipers."
Sabean says, "Knockers."
The psychiatrist says, "It's very obvious you do have a problem. I mean, I can understand the egg, an orange, even a grapefruit, but why would windshield wipers make you think of breasts?"
Sabean says, "Are you kidding, Doc? First this one, then that one, then this one, then that one..."
***************
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Cheese Sandwich, five dollars...Chicken Sandwich, six dollars...Hand Job, twenty-five dollars."
He says to the barmaid, "You the one who gives the hand jobs?"
She says, "Yeah."
He says, "Wash your hands and make me a cheese sandwich."
*************
We love you for tuning in to
Jackie's Joke Hunt on Sirius channel Howard 101,
calling in, 1-888-783-7610, & helping to spread the word...
our next show, this Tuesday, February 2nd,
is Jackie's Joke Hunt 159, I Love Juicy ...
Please call Jackie & Ian on the air with your jokes & comments at
1-888-stern 101 ... 1-888-783-7610 ... please e-mail us at: jokeland@aol.com
on the Internet at www.sirius.com
airs live Tuesdays at 7-8 p.m. Eastern
repeats Thursday at midnight Eastern, Saturdays at 2 p.m. Eastern, Sundays 6 a.m. Eastern
*************
The madame of a whore house is doing a bang-up business...ho! So she decides to divide her reception area in half, so she'll have another bedroom.
A carpenter puts up a wall, and then tells her, "That'll be fifteen hundred bucks, lady."
She takes him by the hand, leads him into the new bedroom, takes off all of her clothes, and lies on the floor.
She says, "I don't have any cash, so I thought you might like to take it out in trade."
He gets down on the floor next to her, he puts his middle finger in her asshole, his thumb in her snatch, and says, "All right, lady, give me my fifteen hundred bucks or I'm gonna rip out the partition."
*************
An Englishman comes home early from work. His wife is on the living room floor with two guys. She's blowing one guy and the other guy is fucking her from behind.
The husband says, "`Ello, `ello!"
She says, "So you're not speakin' to me, then?"
*************
A gorilla's walking along in the jungle, when he sees a lion drinking from a puddle, and the lion's tail is up. The gorilla walks up behind him and slips him a Liberace. The gorilla takes off, and the lion takes off after him. The gorilla runs into a hunter's camp, jumps into a tent, puts on a safari outfit, a pith helmet, grabs a copy of The Johannesburg Times, sits down, and starts to read.
The lion comes running into the camp, sticks his head into the tent, and says, "Arrgg! Did a gorilla come through here?"
The gorilla looks up from his paper and says, "You mean the one that fucked the lion in the ass?"
The lion says, "My God! You mean it's in the paper already?"
*************
The average vagina is eight inches deep, and the average penis is five and a half inches long...
Which means in New York City alone there's thirteen miles of unused pussy.
************
A couple gets married. Twenty years later, they're in the same hotel, in the same room, on the same bed.
She says, "Harry, what were you thinking twenty years ago on this night?"
He says, "I was thinking I'd like to fuck your brains out."
She says, "What are you thinking now?"
He says, "I think I did it."
*************
Stash is out hunting with his brother when his brother says, "Stash, I gotta take a dump."
Stash says, "Go do it in the woods."
A few minutes later his brother yells, "Stash, there's nothin' out here to wipe with...no leaves, no paper, no nothin'."
Stash says, "Use a dollar."
A few minutes later, here comes his brother, and his hands and fingers are all brown and disgusting.
Stash says, "Yuk! What the hell happened to you?"
His brother says, "Stash, this ain't the worst of it. I had to throw away the two quarters and the five dimes."
*************
brand new "I Stumped Jackie The Joke Man" tee shirts...M, L, XL, XXL, XXL...please click and have a look!
*************
What goes peck, peck, bang!?
A chicken in a minefield.
*************
always great jokes! you owe me!
It's finally here! The Jackie Button is now for sale in the Apple App Store!
68 Jackie noises & 68 great PG jokes...
and the app will be upgraded every few weeks with more jokes...for only 99 cents!
************
www.jokeland.com
for information on Jackie's shows, you can always "Use Your Finger!"
thirty years of free jokes!
and dial (516) 922-WINE ...(516) 922-9463
not a pay service, just a local call...
*************
thanks,
JokeLand Inc.
Box 58
Bayville, NY 11709
USA
No comments:
Post a Comment