Greatest Bit In History of Radio!

by I. Humphrey

With Jackie Martling, the true head-writer of The Howard Stern Show long gone, and Fred Norris asleep at the wheel, it's about time we had a few fresh ideas to stem the downward spiral of creativity the show has been incapable of escaping. Our collective ears recoil from being subjected to boring Mike Walker, and endless Sybian riding. Where's the creativity?

Therefore, I, I. Humphrey have decided to bear the creative burden of saving The Stern Show upon my slender shoulders.

Here's the bit. Book a veterinarian, Beth 'O, and members of North Shore Animal League on the same day. With all of them in Howard's studio, have the veterinarian put 10 cats, and dogs to sleep. Have the owners there too. Set-up a barbecue in the green room, and have it operated by Richard, Richard's Dad, and the winners of the last four seasons of Top Chef. Cook up the dead animals, and serve them to the people in the studio. Prior to putting the pets to sleep, Beth 'O would be given the chance to trade Bianca's life for 5 of the pets being put to sleep. North Shore Animal League members could also save one of the pets if they give 10 grand of their own money.

Then have a blindfolded taste test, and give a prize for the pet owner who can identify the taste of their own pet. The prize would be either $50,000 in cash, or a DNA clone of their dead pet. This would test the owner's love for their departed pet. If none of the pet owners can identify their pets, Beth and the North Shore Animal League people could give it a try. 

After this have Bobby Flay judge the cooked pet dishes and pick a winner. My money's on Richard's Dad. The prize would be a year of free pet food for either the winner or their pet.

Next, each pet owner would design their own tribute cupcake to their beloved pet. The winner would get to have their cupcake sold at Crumbs Cupcake Shop with ten percent of the money going to North Shore Animal League, or to the pet owner -- their choice.

Last, have part of each animal cremated, and have a contest between 5 Stern Fans and the Fab 5 (Howard, Robin, Fred, Artie, and Gary) to see which group can correctly match the cremated remains to the right animal. If the Fab 5 win they can work a 3-day week, but if the Fans win Howard will have to go back to a 5-day week. As we all know, Howard, Fred, Robin, and Gary have all had experience with cremated remains (Debbie Tay), so this part of the contest might not be that fair. But, lets remember this is The Howard Stern Show, and the fans always get the shaft.

Of course, this is just a rough idea for a bit, and can be tweaked to perfection.

For Howard Shrine Spews & Views, this is I. Humphrey saying, "Here I come to save the day, Mighty Mouse is on the way, beyaaatch!"